Incoming Chancellor Robert J. Birgeneau has made little progress so far in his efforts to adapt to his new post. The gifted Canadian researcher has yet to shed his native people’s love and compassion for their fellow man, a trait … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Michael Moore Decides to Run
In a move that will certainly shake things up a bit in the upcoming presidential election, documentary filmmaker and left-wing activist Michael Moore has finally decided to go for a much-needed jog.
The incident comes as a surprise to many … Read More
President Killed by Useless Jigaboos
In what is clearly the most important and shocking news event of the modern age, reporter Aaron Brownstein used an eye-catching, inflammatory headline to draw readers to this article, in which he tells you that he lost his keys last … Read More
Birgeneau Straight Burns Hisself with Crack Pizzo
That crazy fool Bobby Birgeneau cold burned his dumb ass with a hot crackalack pizzo, it was reported yesterday. The new chancellor fell asleep on his sofabed after cooking hell of sweet yellow rocks.
“Fuck! Hrumfuck!” Birgeneau yelled after scalding … Read More
Frat Boy Makes Discovery During Spring Cleaning
Spring cleaning brings up all sorts of hidden treasures, but none were as surprising as one found in Phi Kappa Tau’s hallway.
During the cleaning, frat boy Tim Shook found a single-handled broom. The broom, which was described as being … Read More
Radio Host Reveals Loneliness on Air
Hoight Smith, radio host for 90.7 classical FM, exposed his social destitution on air early Monday morning when speaking about an upcoming promotional soiree. “It’s always so fun to have that party every year,” Smith mentioned whimsically. “Lots of people, … Read More
Freshman Carefully Crafts “Male Slut” Reputation
According to the floormates of Kole Tammar, the Unit 2 freshman has been dropping increasingly obvious hints into casual conversation that he is, in actuality, a male slut that is willing to engage in no-strings-attached, sport-fucking type sex with female … Read More
Experimental Album Has No Hidden Track
The popular Chapel Hill-based prog-rock outfit Octopod Blue created a stir on Tuesday with the release of its latest album, Mustachio Tapdance. The highly experimental recording contains no hidden track.
“The first time I heard it,” said Pitchfork editor-in-chief … Read More
Hung-over Jesus Tries New Trick
A grossly hung-over and dangerously dehydrated Jesus woke up last weekend at a friend’s apartment and then attempted to rehydrate himself by transforming the party’s leftover wine back into water. Jesus had transformed the water into wine to impress chicks … Read More
Egg Donor Ad Way Too Specific
Berkeley women interested in giving the gift of life to a childless couple in exchange for cold hard cash were upset Friday to find the Daily Californian’s latest egg donor ad impossible to satisfy. The ad read as follows:
“Loving … Read More
