After much deliberation, the California Department of Education has announced that it will administer the first High School Exit Exam in 2006. If a student fails to pass the test, he or she will not receive a diploma, but will … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Kerry Went to Vietnam to Kill Babies
According to a group of Vietnam veterans who claim to have served with John Kerry, Kerry’s initial motivation for joining the military was to kill defenseless babies. While none of the veterans have accused Kerry of killing any babies, most … Read More
Voting Deemed “Out” by <i>Cosmo</i>
Voter registration groups are reeling following a declaration in the September 2004 issue of Cosmopolitan that the act of voting is officially out of style.
“Not only have young women stopped registering to vote in our precinct,” stated Judith Miller, … Read More
New Chancellor Cares Via Mass E-mail
Recently-appointed UC Berkeley Chancellor Birgeneau is planning to start his tenure on a personal note by using the university’s mass e-mailing system to warn students about the dangers of underage drinking, depression, and lack of ethnic diversity. He is continuing … Read More
Radio Host Reveals Loneliness on Air
Hoight Smith, radio host for 90.7 classical FM, exposed his social destitution on air early Monday morning when speaking about an upcoming promotional soiree. “It’s always so fun to have that party every year,” Smith mentioned whimsically. “Lots of people, … Read More
Freshman Carefully Crafts “Male Slut” Reputation
According to the floormates of Kole Tammar, the Unit 2 freshman has been dropping increasingly obvious hints into casual conversation that he is, in actuality, a male slut that is willing to engage in no-strings-attached, sport-fucking type sex with female … Read More
Experimental Album Has No Hidden Track
The popular Chapel Hill-based prog-rock outfit Octopod Blue created a stir on Tuesday with the release of its latest album, Mustachio Tapdance. The highly experimental recording contains no hidden track.
“The first time I heard it,” said Pitchfork editor-in-chief … Read More
Hung-over Jesus Tries New Trick
A grossly hung-over and dangerously dehydrated Jesus woke up last weekend at a friend’s apartment and then attempted to rehydrate himself by transforming the party’s leftover wine back into water. Jesus had transformed the water into wine to impress chicks … Read More
Egg Donor Ad Way Too Specific
Berkeley women interested in giving the gift of life to a childless couple in exchange for cold hard cash were upset Friday to find the Daily Californian’s latest egg donor ad impossible to satisfy. The ad read as follows:
“Loving … Read More
Study: Cup-Shaking Not Marketable Skill
An extensive study released Thursday by the UC Berkeley Business Administration Graduate Research Division reveals that cup shaking is in fact not a marketable skill.
Further, the researchers concluded, as a non-marketable skill, cup shaking thus does not warrant financial … Read More
