Freshman Kyle Watkins sat up suddenly in history class today, stunned to learn that world war had broken out over the death of hot new rock group Franz Ferdinand.
“Shit, I didn’t even know they were from Austria,” he explained.… Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Mike “The Bomb” Yu Held for Questioning
Last week the National Terror Alert Level was raised to orange due to a security threat on the UC Berkeley campus. According to officials, a student was heard making a bomb threat after learning of his grade on an exam.… Read More
Hipsters Rally Around Bush
A recent Gallup poll of likely voters shows a surprising groundswell of support for President Bush in the hipster community.
“Bush’s handling of the war in Iraq is so bad, it’s good,” explained Moffitt Library employee Erin Reardon, wearing a … Read More
Student Literally Has Mind Blown
In a stunning turn of events, Cal political science student David Lee literally had his mind blown on Friday by a live Radiohead performance that his roommate downloaded from Kazaa.
When asked whether he actually meant that his mind had … Read More
Man Successfully Programs VCR
Home Depot assistant manager Steven Tepper called a press conference yesterday to announce that he had succeeded in programming his VCR to display the correct time instead of blinking “12:00” over and over.
When told by reporters that VCRs have … Read More
Students Rewarded for Showing Up
After much deliberation, the California Department of Education has announced that it will administer the first High School Exit Exam in 2006. If a student fails to pass the test, he or she will not receive a diploma, but will … Read More
Kerry Went to Vietnam to Kill Babies
According to a group of Vietnam veterans who claim to have served with John Kerry, Kerry’s initial motivation for joining the military was to kill defenseless babies. While none of the veterans have accused Kerry of killing any babies, most … Read More
Voting Deemed “Out” by <i>Cosmo</i>
Voter registration groups are reeling following a declaration in the September 2004 issue of Cosmopolitan that the act of voting is officially out of style.
“Not only have young women stopped registering to vote in our precinct,” stated Judith Miller, … Read More
New Chancellor Cares Via Mass E-mail
Recently-appointed UC Berkeley Chancellor Birgeneau is planning to start his tenure on a personal note by using the university’s mass e-mailing system to warn students about the dangers of underage drinking, depression, and lack of ethnic diversity. He is continuing … Read More
New Chancellor Not Yet Hardened
Incoming Chancellor Robert J. Birgeneau has made little progress so far in his efforts to adapt to his new post. The gifted Canadian researcher has yet to shed his native people’s love and compassion for their fellow man, a trait … Read More
