None of us intended to be in the EECS Intermural Soccer Championships. Our only plan was to play a little soccer, lose, then make ironic and funny comments about losing using Monty Python and Comedy Central quotes. Well, Johnny Eighth-floor … Read More
Tag Archives: Kevin Deenihan
What This Sci-Fi Movie Needs is Some Quasi-Philosophical Elements and Overt Judeo-Christian Symbolism
Pull up a chair and order some Thai fusion, Henderson. Our big-budget Sci-fi movie “Robots Inc.” just isn’t jelling. I know we’ve got the gritty, industrial futuristic themes and the flimsy excuse for bullet-time slow-mo sequences; we’ve got DJ Mo-vo, … Read More
Budget Cuts Force Release of Intelligent Monkeys
Hard hit by budget cuts, Berkeley’s Integrative Biology department announced the imminent release of their “hive” of genetically- enhanced hyper-intelligent monkeys.
“We would’ve loved to protect our adored super-chimps from these cuts, but in a crisis something had to give,” … Read More
Freshman Decides to Be Asian
Entering Freshman Joshua Chen, 19, has decided to be really, really Asian at Berkeley, sources say. Chen cited a desire to meet girls and make friends as his main motivations.
Within his first week at Berkeley, Chen attended the first … Read More
Local Man Starts Stereotypes
Local man Jesse Barone announced his creation of five new stereotypes next week, showcasing his effortless ability to attribute even meaningless characteristics to racial categories.
“I noticed an Indian guy using a power mower, the kind where you sit on … Read More
If Getting into Heaven Were Like Getting into College
The Interview
GABRIEL: …And then the Devil comes in and says “Okay, coffeebreak over, back on your heads!”
SOUL: Ha ha ha! Oh, that’s so hilarious!
GABRIEL: Okay, seriously, what’s your intended circle of heaven?
SOUL: I think I want … Read More
A Letter to Now Todd from Future Todd
Todd of April 2003,
This is Todd of April 2033, thirty years into the future! Don’t believe me? Note that the stamps commemorate the tenth anniversary of 2023, and that the Return Address states ‘The Future!’ Still skeptical? The final … Read More
Only Map to UC Merced Lost
University of California President Richard Atkinson was flummoxed when the only existing map to the new UC Merced campus disappeared from his ’89 Volvo.
“It was right behind the driver’s seat for months,” said Atkinson. “I’ll bet [Chancellor] Bobby [Berdahl] … Read More
Two Second Mystery
Investigators were briefly baffled by a mysterious suicide Thursday. A man had hung himself from a rafter in the ceiling– without any obvious stool to stand on and kick away. “We were kind of puzzled for, like, 30 seconds,” said … Read More
SUBJECT: Upcoming Budget Cuts
FROM: Chancellor Berdahl (texasqueen@yahoo.com) TO: Cal Students (feesmonkeys@uclink.berkeley.edu) CC: Spring Admits (probablynots@uclink.berkeley.edu) Governor Davis (darthg@aol.com) REPLY TO: Kevin Deenihan (kevin@pkarchive.org)
As many of you are no doubt aware, the State’s budget situation is particularly grim this year. Our state’s penchant … Read More
