What This Sci-Fi Movie Needs is Some Quasi-Philosophical Elements and Overt Judeo-Christian Symbolism

Pull up a chair and order some Thai fusion, Henderson. Our big-budget Sci-fi movie “Robots Inc.” just isn’t jelling. I know we’ve got the gritty, industrial futuristic themes and the flimsy excuse for bullet-time slow-mo sequences; we’ve got DJ Mo-vo, Detroit’s hottest Techno artist, laying down some thumping beats for our heavily scripted action sequences. We got VideoDirect to fund us an extra several thousand, plus free markers. But we’re missing something, and that something is quasi-philosophical references.

So to start, we’re changing the name from “Robots Inc.” to “Smokestack: The Will is Alive.” From now on, the main character’s name is “Apex,” the female character is named “Epiphany,” and we’ll be calling the wise old sage “Methuselah.” Call the bad-guy-who-turns-good “Lived.” Call props and get me a copy of the Bible, the Torah, and the New Testament. Get me the Catholic Bible, too. Also have them bring up the Kama Sutra and that Islamic Bible, the Jihad or whatever it’s called. This could take awhile.

Okay, when Apex realizes that his father and mother are actually robot creations of the Emperor Smorax, I want there to be a real quick shot of Nietzche’s “Superman” book. Except have it upside down. And I want the cover to be partially on fire. Better have the occasional shot of Apex. Have him naked for a few frames, too. Wait–when he’s naked show a tattoo of Marx on his butt. Left cheek for half of them, right cheek for the other.

In the scene where Epiphany has a laser duel with the robot muppet, scatter these philosophy books in the background. Put them in alphabetical order, except for Heidegger, which should be open to some random page with something in it highlighted. And scatter forks randomly in different scenes. They’ll symbolize the choices we must make, or something. Of course they should be different metals, Henderson! Think “deep!” think “enlightenment!” We’ve got deadlines to meet!

In the dinner scene, right before they discover that Methuselah is actually a robot creation of the Emperor Smorax, have them all eat Jello except for Apex, who should be eating loaves and fishes. Every time the camera cuts back to him, there should be more loaves. Also, have him start drinking water, but when the camera cuts back to him, it’s wine. Maybe we can throw in a scene where he rises from the dead. Right after the alien love orgy!

And while you’re at it, Henderson, might as well announce that this is the seventh movie in a nine-picture series. We’ll be filming the six prequels concurrently in the upcoming months. Also make sure to throw in a few more “goofs” during production, too. Leave your coffee cup accidentally in a few scenes–oh, and have pages from our extensive pornography collection scattered in a few frames. That should keep the DVD sales a-rollin’.

Alright! Now we’re talking! Those geeks out there are going to think this is the deepest movie ever!