If Getting into Heaven Were Like Getting into College

The Interview

GABRIEL: …And then the Devil comes in and says “Okay, coffeebreak over, back on your heads!”
SOUL: Ha ha ha! Oh, that’s so hilarious!
GABRIEL: Okay, seriously, what’s your intended circle of heaven?
SOUL: I think I want to be in the Circle of Virtue, orbiting a fixed star forever. I was going to be in the Circle of Humility, but those guys are supposed to be either boring or dull. (Chuckles.)
GABRIEL: I was in the Circle of Humility.

The Essay

COUNSELOR: You have to make it interesting. The Archangels are tired of essays that end with “and then I died.”
SOUL: I could write about how I found the Lord after a lifetime of alcoholism.
COUNSELOR: That might’ve worked a few years ago, but then everyone started writing about it and the Heavenly Choir is tired of it.
SOUL: Hmm.
COUNSELOR: Can you work in some humor? That always sets people apart. Maybe you had a funny baptism, or did some wacky repentance, or a nutty priest or something?
SOUL: At my confirmation I met the guy who later became St. Josephus…
COUNSELOR: That’s perfect. How he changed your life, etc etc. Welcome to the Heavenly Choir.

The Review

RAPHAEL: Okay, Soul 22321. Not a great transcript. Did some volunteer work…and he gets an extra 20 points because he’s a minority from a disadvantaged area.
THOMAS: Thank goodness we’re a private institution, so Commandment 209 doesn’t apply.
BARTHOLOMEW: What did he write his essay about?
RAPHAEL: How he was tempted by his Aunt! That’s an unusual one.
THOMAS: I wish people would clue in about not writing how they found God at the age of 45. If you found him at 45, that means you didn’t have him for 44 years, and we look at the whole life here.
BARTHOLOMEW: Remember that girl who became a nun, spent a lifetime working at New Delhi Orphanges, and then forgot to have her transcript sent? (They all chuckle.)

The Letters

SOUL 1: Your letter is here!
SOUL 2: Thick letter, or thin one burning with hell and brimstone?
SOUL 1: Thin.

The Discussion

SOUL 1: So where did you apply?
SOUL 2: City of Virtue, Land of Happiness, Elysium Fields, and Circle of Energy for my backup.
SOUL 1: You applied to Elysium Fields? You’ll never get in there. I heard they rejected Eric, and he was Bishop of Antioch.
SOUL 2: But they sent me that book promising me eternal life if I performed good works!
SOUL 1: They send that to everybody so they can look more selective by rejecting 95%.

Standardized Angelic Testing

SOUL 1: I completely bombed the Bible Knowledge section.
SOUL 2: Don’t worry. They just use that if you’re waitlisted. How’d you do otherwise?
SOUL 1: I got a 760 at Rejecting Satan and All his Temptations, but only a 600 at Heavenly Geometry.
SOUL 2: Take the SAT II Heavenly Math IC and do well, and it’ll make up for that.

The Tour

LUKE: Here’s the main Heavenly Circle. Most of these buildings were erected by God. Interesting historical fact: that bench was donated as a Class Gift by Lucifer’s senior class. Students touch it for good luck before the Temptation Exams.
SOUL’S MOTHER: What’s safety like around here?
LUKE: You’ll see we have plenty of “Safety Stands” around. Just push the blue button and a horde of Angels armed with fiery blades will be there in seconds.