I’m sorry we can’t be friends. It’s not you. It’s me. Really. You see, I like you and I think we’d make wonderful friends, but I currently have four friends and four is really plenty. You see I drive a … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Chemistry 3A:
Organic Chemistry, If It Were Run By The de-Cal Program
Five Hours
Student 1: Man, five hours slaving away with chemicals, test tubes and bunsen burners – I’m exhausted.
Student 2: Sounds tiring. Your O-Chem lab must be tough.
Student 1: O-Chem lab? No, I was making a gay porno … Read More
Words from the Top
I Need a Title
When I was little I wanted to be a princess, so that I could have the power to command anything I wished. The life of a princess as I imagined it was great: all the ponies and butter pecan ice … Read More
A Conversation with Merlin
MERLIN: Oh, you did know already. Right. Well, it will be a privilege to speak with you
HS: Good morning Merlin. It’s truly a privilege to speak with you here today. Your ability to predict the future is unparalleled. I … Read More
A Freshman Guide to 2nd-Year Housing
For those of you nestled snugly in your spacious dormitory rooms with nary another person within three feet of you, food practically dropped on your doorstep, and plentiful free contraceptives and dirty sex talk from your Health Worker, the prospect … Read More
Squelch Monologue Corner
Why the Wall is dead.
Monologue Performed by Zack Fornaca
_[Zack walks up to counter] _
Zack: Hi. Rape me?
Cashier: One iced coffee coming up. To go?
Zack: Yeah, and absolutely no lube, OK?
Cashier: That’ll be $1.85.
Zack:… Read More
I Can Impregnate All of You
Yes indeedy, circle of girls surrounding my desk, it appears that you have all outscored me on our Math 1B midterm. Some of you are laughing about your too-high score with (also-female) friends, while others of you have modestly glanced … Read More
If Everything in Life Were Like a Rejection Letter from Harvard Law School
Episode 1: Tetherball
Kid: Hey, guys. Can I play?
Other kid: After carefully reviewing your tetherball skills, we have decided not to let you play.
Kid: What tetherball skills? I just got here.
Third kid: We wish you the best … Read More
King of the Co-ops
So you want to be a co-oper, eh? Well it’s not as easy as donning a pair of Birkenstocks, getting yourself a stray dog and walking around bare-foot. No, being a co-oper takes more than simply learning a really good … Read More
In Love With the Love Bug
Sure, I wasn’t the only kid who grew up with a treasured, worn-out copy of Herbie Rides Again, purchased at exorbitant rates because no one bought videos back then. The local Albertson’s never had a copy of The Love … Read More
