Episode 1: Tetherball
Kid: Hey, guys. Can I play?
Other kid: After carefully reviewing your tetherball skills, we have decided not to let you play.
Kid: What tetherball skills? I just got here.
Third kid: We wish you the best … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Weekend at Cheney’s
Scene 1: Camp David Rumpus Room
[Bush and Rumsfeld enter. Cheney is seated in armchair, dead of a heart attack]
BUSH: Dick! Good to see you again, buddy.
RUMSFELD: How’s it going, Dick? We brought you some of those macademia … Read More
Crime Over Time
Caveman Times
Popular crimes in Caveman Times generally involved the use of a club and/or the theft of a mate. Punishment for crimes in Caveman Times generally involved the same. One notable exception was Grk’s landmark conviction for patent infringement … Read More
Interview with the ASUC Gumball Machine
Heuristic Squelch: So, Mr. Gumball Machine. How long have you been here?
Gumball Machine: Please call me Gumball Machine. Well, I’ve been around for over 15 years. I used to be over there, right by the entrance. But over the … Read More
A Buddhist Monk Debunks Several Popular Myths
Myth #1: If you walk in the rain without an umbrella, you will catch cold.
Studies have actually shown that, while the low body temperatures usually experienced when caught in the rain can reduce the effectiveness of your immune system, … Read More
February’s Squelly Girls
Proving once and for all the age-old axiom, “There are lots of hot girls and good drinks at Blake’s on Telegraph,” Squelly Girls Casey Le Jeune and Joanna Jen debut their newfound talents in the art of Mixology. Recently, the … Read More
Marine World
A Day with the Animals
Dolphin
“Yeah, we’re smart. Holy shit, we’re so fucking smart. How fucking smart are we? I’ll tell you this, we wouldn’t pay a hundred fifty bucks to swim with humans.
“You know what we think about when you’re here in … Read More
My Thursday Night On Telegraph:
A Highly Selective Autobiography
10:10pm. I was bored, so I left Apartment DISH and walked down Telegraph in search of cheap food. Outside Rasputin, slamming himself chest-first into the store window, was a homeless guy carrying a 6′ wide sign. I walked by, to … Read More
Stinky Friday
God be praised. This week my twelve-year love affair with underarm deodorant came perilously close to dissolving forever. Fortunately for myself and anyone who will ever come within a fourteen-foot radius of my being, I was saved by the irresistible … Read More
Confessions of the Colorblind
Though it affects millions of Americans, colorblindness is given short shrift by the mainstream “differently-abled” population. As many of you surely don’t know, colorblindness is a recessive trait that is much more common in men, though women can suffer from … Read More
