When I was little I wanted to be a princess, so that I could have the power to command anything I wished. The life of a princess as I imagined it was great: all the ponies and butter pecan ice … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
A Buddhist Monk Debunks Several Popular Myths
Myth #1: If you walk in the rain without an umbrella, you will catch cold.
Studies have actually shown that, while the low body temperatures usually experienced when caught in the rain can reduce the effectiveness of your immune system, … Read More
February’s Squelly Girls
Proving once and for all the age-old axiom, “There are lots of hot girls and good drinks at Blake’s on Telegraph,” Squelly Girls Casey Le Jeune and Joanna Jen debut their newfound talents in the art of Mixology. Recently, the … Read More
Marine World
A Day with the Animals
Dolphin
“Yeah, we’re smart. Holy shit, we’re so fucking smart. How fucking smart are we? I’ll tell you this, we wouldn’t pay a hundred fifty bucks to swim with humans.
“You know what we think about when you’re here in … Read More
My Thursday Night On Telegraph:
A Highly Selective Autobiography
10:10pm. I was bored, so I left Apartment DISH and walked down Telegraph in search of cheap food. Outside Rasputin, slamming himself chest-first into the store window, was a homeless guy carrying a 6′ wide sign. I walked by, to … Read More
Stinky Friday
God be praised. This week my twelve-year love affair with underarm deodorant came perilously close to dissolving forever. Fortunately for myself and anyone who will ever come within a fourteen-foot radius of my being, I was saved by the irresistible … Read More
Confessions of the Colorblind
Though it affects millions of Americans, colorblindness is given short shrift by the mainstream “differently-abled” population. As many of you surely don’t know, colorblindness is a recessive trait that is much more common in men, though women can suffer from … Read More
I Can’t Believe You Still Don’t Own a Copy of <i>Shrek</i>
Thanks for reading the Squelch, and remember to pick up a copy of Shrek, now available everywhere on video and DVD. Like bacon cheeseburgers? You’ll also want a delicious copy of Shrek, available on the way home … Read More
Diary of a Penis Artist
Day 1: Wednesday
My teeth were clamped down in the midst of a large bowel movement when the idea came to me. No longer will people stare into the bleak polished door of the dormitory stall without a source of … Read More
Words from the Top
Ba-Boon to Humanity
The methods used to judge the worthiness of a potential mate has grown into a convoluted tortured science that is incomprehensible to suitors themselves. Single men and women gather in remote bars, homes, and vacated warehouses to practice obscure ritualistic … Read More
