I Can’t Believe You Still Don’t Own a Copy of <i>Shrek</i>

Thanks for reading the Squelch, and remember to pick up a copy of Shrek, now available everywhere on video and DVD. Like bacon cheeseburgers? You’ll also want a delicious copy of Shrek, available on the way home from Burger King. Don’t forget to have some Baskin-Robbins ice cream with your Shrek, and remember nothing tops off 31 flavors like a candy-coated spoonful of Shrek on video and DVD. In fact, why not buy Shrek while you’re at Baskin-Robbins? Sorry, they don’t sell it there. Just remember: Ice cream = pleasure = Shrek on video and DVD = cheeseburgers. And while you’re cruising home with your three copies of Shrek (two on DVD and one on VHS in a disproportionately-sized box), why not stop off somewhere and buy a few copies of Shrek?

Hellooo? I do not hear the sound of DVD purchasing transactions, and I certainly do not hear the highly soothing melody of sixteen pristine shrink-wrapped copies of Shrek rattling in your fat little rainbow-sherbet-spattered hands. Did you fail to grasp the incredibly clear message of the informational campaign? Could you somehow not count high enough to comprehend the sheer magnitude of ELEVEN HOURS of special features, however untrue that claim may turn out be? How could you begin to resist? Need I mention that it is a TWO DISC SET, and that its purchase should be mere reflex, nay, instinct, and no more consciously controllable than your very heartbeat?!?

So, does everyone else own Shrek? Does that even make sense as a question? YES, YES THEY DO OWN Shrek! Ergo, you should too! Nay, you must! To recap, everyone owns Shrek. Everyone, dil-hole. Have you any conception of how many people that is? Think of a person, right now. They own Shrek. Think of another person, quick. Them too. That person you just thought of without me asking? He just bought eight, and he already owns twenty! Egyptian Pharaohs were buried with copies of Shrek or they wouldn’t make it to the afterlife. You may say this is impossible, but so are the Pyramids. Do you really think you have the strength of will to resist such a powerful wave of conformity sweeping our society, indeed, the entire civilized world? A mere glance at the “International dubbing” featurette on Disc Two would give you some idea of the international scope of the issue, if only you had access to it, right now, in your own home, without the necessity of rental or borrowing, but you do not.

If you did, you could show it to friends when they come over, and they’d be all, “Hey, I own that. Let’s not watch it.” “I own it too,” you’d reply, happily owning Shrek. What if you don’t? Not an option. Just imagine standing dumbly in a friend’s living room, holding their wisely-purchased copy of Shrek saying, “Let’s watch this (because I do not own it myself),” in the precious few seconds before you’re laughed right out the door!! Have a copy of Shrek with every breath of oxygen you take. BUY Shrek! BUY IT, YOU FUCKER!! I’LL KILL YOU!!