Marine World

A Day with the Animals


“Yeah, we’re smart. Holy shit, we’re so fucking smart. How fucking smart are we? I’ll tell you this, we wouldn’t pay a hundred fifty bucks to swim with humans.

“You know what we think about when you’re here in the water with us? Scientific equations, computer circuitry. Really hard math problems and shit. Differential atomic crossword matrix ozone science, or whatever. After we play chess in our heads, we do chemistry in our heads. We just visualize the molecules and how they react. Test tubes are for fucking babies. Economics? Shit, if we were running this park, you know what Disney would be running? For their fucking lives, is what Disney would be running.

“God damn, we’re fucking smart.”


“I probably would try to kill a trainer if I still had the energy for it. But years of sitting around here have left me with not only atrophied muscles, but also a profound sense of apathy about the direction of my inescapably joyless life. Between sessions of being artificially inseminated, sometimes I think about what life would be like in the wild. Or even at other parks, like the ones in San Diego. My mom told me what it was like. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t remember that life is supposed to be better. But I can’t forget. I just can’t forget. Curse you, elephantine memory! When will the misery end? Doesn’t anyone want a really nice piano?”


“I guess this park is okay. They’ve got some water, and trees. Trees are pretty. And the candy is sweet. Sweet things make my tongue happy. Happy tongue makes me smile. But not here. Here, the sadness in the air makes me sad, too. I feel trapped. Maybe that’s because I keep getting stuck on the roller coasters. These are bad roller coasters. I hate this park.”

Sea Lion

“Look, we’re all professionals here. I’ve got a show to do, and every day I go out there and give it my best. But please, all I want is a little bit of consideration. Maybe turn off that huge noisy roller coaster for just a few minutes so it doesn’t trample all over my best lines. It’s a simple decision. Do people come here to watch a hard-working, meticulously practiced sea lion execute his finely honed performance art, or to sit and scream on a second-rate freefall coaster with a twist in the track? Just make up your mind.”

Deadly Shark

“This is a pretty good tank. The only thing I really miss is how much I get to kill things. I see so many things I want to kill. They walk them through that plastic tunnel every day. Sometimes I think, boy, I’d like to kill that. It’s like a people zoo, but I don’t have to leave the comfort of my home. More killing would be nice, though.”