Zagat Guide: East Coast

4, 5, or 6, New York City Metropolitan Transportation
Borough Hall GAA Brooklyn, Lex Ave GAA Manhattan, Pelham Bay Park GAA Bronx
Decor: 4 Service: Incomprehensible Cost: $1.50
If you “don’t mind the crowds of people and crowds of rats and crowds of rat-like people” and you enjoy the “stench of defeat, depression, and athlete’s foot”, then riding the “fast track to the dark inner circles of Hell” is for you. Many complain the decor is “too orange”, but the entertainment is “lively and not always smelly.” Cynics deride the “bums that puke” and “that dude at 86th that stares” but devotees rave about the “cheap batteries.” Subway cops suggest “don’t miss your stop” or you’ll find yourself “in a dumpster with a cap in yo ass.” Bonus: “Whiskey Breath” Patterson’s daily performance of “MacBeth” at 14th Street/Union Square is “timeless.”

Atlantic Ocean
“The Pond”
Decor: Moist Service: Rocky Cost: Your Limbs
What the Atlantic lacks in “nitrogenous waste” it makes up for in “man-eating predators” rave admirers, who “flock every summer” to “tempt death” and “simmer in the tepid water surrounded by Canadians.” “Hurricanes shmuricanes, what you really need to worry about are the sharks”, point out locals, for “people get eaten here on a regular basis. No shit.”

Eastern Standard Time
East Coast
Decor: Timely Service: Punctual Cost: Anachronisms and Early Phone Calls
West Coasters marvel at the “future time” but complain of “anticlimactic New Year’s parties.” East Coasters scoff “grow up” and “stop living in the past”, only to ask “what time is it?” and tauntingly respond to the answer with an “oh yeah, been there done that, like three fucking hours ago.” “CST is the bitch of EST” proclaim enthusiasts, and “PST is even worse.”

Unbearable Heat
Eastern Seaboard
Decor: Humid Service: Stifling Cost: Sweaty
“Heat up a bucket of water to 114 degrees” suggest locals, “throw it on your head” and “stand in a sauna, then you might understand.” Summer months produce a “florid sanctuary” throughout all East Coast states, attracting “horseflies the size of Shi-Tzus” and “tourists from Ohio” to all coastal cities. Expect “constant facial dewiness, like a fairy” that is, “if fairies had pit stains.” Locals caution “Don’t come here…oh my god I can’t breathe.”

Really Fucking Cold
Eastern Seaboard
Decor: Gray Service: Frigid Cost: Your Patience
“Get out of my fucking way” exclaim locals and visitors alike, who will “strangle a fucking squirrel and wear it if I have to.” Fanatics exclaim “look at my new coat,” but the “pessimistic hipster crowd” “gives you the finger” and “steals your cab.” Fall fashionistas “run for their fucking lives” and exclaim “Jesus Christ I can’t feel my head.”

My House
Little Neck, Virginia Beach
Decor: Cheery Service: Contemptible Cost: Your Dignity
If “outdated drug references” are your thing, and you aren’t bothered by the “little brother locked in the basement” or “embarrassing requests to tap dance,” then my house is the place for you. Disregard the “mentally unstable dogs” and the “extended family that reeks of bourbon and won’t leave the pool” and soak in the “constant feeling of disappointment” from my father. “Tell him you’re pre-med”, suggest regulars, who enjoy listening to my mom ask “why don’t you ever have a date?” Leave feeling “satisfied” but with a “funny feeling in your stomach. A feeling like maybe you’re different from the other kids, or maybe that you ate bad mayonnaise.”

The Zagat Guide to the East Coast
Decor: Bland Service: -4 Cost: Your Precious Time
Scornful readers scoff at the “contemptible lack of detail”, “shoddy grammatical errors” and “uncreative use of the thesaurus” for this “hackneyed and failure of an informational source.” “Don’t believe the hype,” say malcontents; but many are left “mesmerized” and are heard to exclaim “I had no idea there was this much talent at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels.”

This guide is designed to improve your knowledge of the East Coast. There are many points that I missed, but really, the essence of the East Coast can only be truly appreciated first-hand. And why not visit? For the price of a rental car, you too can have your very own south Florida gun story. Throughout the Southeast, you can visit one of the many combined special interest one-stop shopping stores for all your fireworks, fire-water, and firearms needs. And the incomprehensible accents of New Englanders can only be truly appreciated in person. Many people ask why one such as I would forgo all the goodness of the East Coast and head out west for school. The answer is simple, and if you ask any East Coaster you’ll get the same response: I come from a small town that outlaws dancing, and I just want to dance.