Four years ago I defeated Republican candidate Bush in a hard-fought contest of my imagination. A battle that sharply divided America was decided only when thousands of uncounted “me” votes magically appeared in a warehouse in Pahokee, Florida. Since then … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Seven Episodes of the FCC
Episode One
Secretary: Mr. Powell?
FCC Chairman Michael Powell: Yes?
Secretary: Your father’s on the line.
Powell: And?
Secretary: He doesn’t love you.
Episode Two
Secretary: Mr. Powell?
Powell: Yes?
Secretary: I’m pregnant.
Powell: You told me you were on … Read More
I’m an Asshole and I Have a Time Machine
Yeah, that’s right: I’m a jerk. That’s why I hired a scientist to build me a time machine. What? That doesn’t make sense? Well neither does your face. Two points!
So now that I have the powers of the universe … Read More
Words from the Top
Leonard Nimoy Was Right
Who hasn’t whiled away hours sitting in front of expanded basic cable, skipping midday classes in favor of Kids in the Hall reruns or that episode of Mythbusters that you’ve seen five times already this week. Nevermind that it’s still … Read More
Joel Stephanson: Candidate for President of the United States
“Yesterday, December 7, 1941 GAA a date which will live in infamy GAA the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.”
GAA Franklin Delano Roosevelt, December 8th, 1941… Read More
Shit Do I Love Cussing
Let me tell you something, I fucking love to cuss. Cussing has revolutionized my life; now I get myself heard. I remember way back in middle school, when I was a big pussy. I thought cussing was evil or something; … Read More
Slam Poetry Poet Archetypes
Part I: How to Become a Slam Poet
Do you have what it takes to be a Slam Poet? Well, do you have a bandana? Do you sit in a Starbucks and write in a tiny notebook about how fake … Read More
History? OK!
From the dawn of human civilization to its apex in the mid-1920s and beyond, people have been compiling quite a file that in its wisdom calls history. History documents many important things for its present-day pupils, for instance the evolution … Read More
The Last Great Race
Think you have what it takes to mush in the Iditarod? Do you like reading lists? Here are the rules:
Each competitor should be equipped with no more than sixteen sled dogs, preferably Siberian huskies. Siberian huskies are unique dogs … Read More
Super (Pretentious) Political Science Man!
Excuse me, sir. I know you feel your purchase of a carbonated soft drink is important, but you need to step aside. I’m a hurried political scientist, and I’m coming through.
No, sir, I will not go fuck myself. I’m … Read More
