On a lonely and mildly pathetic Saturday in Berkeley, I decided to embark on a mini-adventure to the local laundromat. The following is a true recounting of my experience that night, a tale that I offer with a warning label: … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
The Several Lost Diaries of Kaiser Wilhelm II
King of Prussia and Emperor of the Federated German States
January 19, 1871
Grandpa Wilhelm was crowned Emperor yesterday. I’ve spent the last fourteen hours crossing “Prussia” off his royal letterhead and replacing it with “Germany.” He told me it builds character. Unified German character.
November 18, 1890
After firing … Read More
Child Abuse for the New Millennium
Let’s face facts: Children today are dumb, ugly, and fat. Some blame television, single parents, or fast food, but the real reason is much simpler: we can’t beat our children anymore. Sure, you want to lay into little Junior with … Read More
Stop Quoting Dave Chappelle. You Have No Idea Who Lil Jon Is.
Oh, that’s hilarious! You really are Rick James, bitch. What? OKAY! Nothing irks me more than people who refer to the “Little John” sketch. First of all, he’s LIL JON, not Little John. Little John was one of Robin Hood’s … Read More
Suicide Dog!
The Dog That Wants to Die
Something tells me my dog wants to kill himself. Recently his behavior has been getting worse and worse.
I got home one day and he had slit his doggie wrists. “Bad dog!” I yelled at him. “It’s down the road, … Read More
Anthropological Evolution of a Screen Name
Throughout the history of my life, my Internet habits have changed, and as such, so has my screen name. I’ve seen some crazy ones out there, though I can’t say that mine haven’t been bad either. Here’s a brief history … Read More
Road Trip to Hades
For spring break, my roommate spent a week in Cancun. My best friend went to Cabo. My dog Max just stayed home, but at least he can fellate himself regularly. Alas, I’m not so lucky. I went to Hades. That’s … Read More
Shit Do I Love Cussing
Let me tell you something, I fucking love to cuss. Cussing has revolutionized my life; now I get myself heard. I remember way back in middle school, when I was a big pussy. I thought cussing was evil or something; … Read More
Slam Poetry Poet Archetypes
Part I: How to Become a Slam Poet
Do you have what it takes to be a Slam Poet? Well, do you have a bandana? Do you sit in a Starbucks and write in a tiny notebook about how fake … Read More
History? OK!
From the dawn of human civilization to its apex in the mid-1920s and beyond, people have been compiling quite a file that in its wisdom calls history. History documents many important things for its present-day pupils, for instance the evolution … Read More
