As I write these words, it is Sunday night. Move-in Weekend is coming to a close, and the Berkeley campus is overrun with freshpeople. There’s lots of them, disproportionately lots of them, since other undergrads don’t really need to be … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Superstitions
Everyone knows that Friday the 13th, a full moon, and illiteracy cause bad luck. But what of the lesser-known superstitions out there? Don’t be unprepared:
Stepping on cracks will break your mother’s back. Walking on curbs will get on your … Read More
Fellow Delegates of Apartment 401
The start of the school year brings about many new changes: freshmen are now sophomores and the library begins to resemble an Asian immigration office. However, the most important change takes place not on campus, but rather in my apartment, … Read More
The Mailman Doesn’t Deliver on Sundays
Karl Malone spent his entire career with the Utah Jazz, but never won a championship. In the biggest game of Karl Malone’s career, Michael Jordan stole the ball from him, and then hit the game-winning shot. Karl Malone sucks. Last … Read More
Short Conversations
Guy 1: Hey, looks like we ordered the same omelette.
Guy 2: Good taste! [laughter]
Guy 1: Mind if I join you?
Guy 2: Not at all!
[eating]
Guy 2: My parents were murdered when I was sixteen.
Guy 1:… Read More
Child Abuse for the New Millennium
Let’s face facts: Children today are dumb, ugly, and fat. Some blame television, single parents, or fast food, but the real reason is much simpler: we can’t beat our children anymore. Sure, you want to lay into little Junior with … Read More
Stop Quoting Dave Chappelle. You Have No Idea Who Lil Jon Is.
Oh, that’s hilarious! You really are Rick James, bitch. What? OKAY! Nothing irks me more than people who refer to the “Little John” sketch. First of all, he’s LIL JON, not Little John. Little John was one of Robin Hood’s … Read More
Suicide Dog!
The Dog That Wants to Die
Something tells me my dog wants to kill himself. Recently his behavior has been getting worse and worse.
I got home one day and he had slit his doggie wrists. “Bad dog!” I yelled at him. “It’s down the road, … Read More
Anthropological Evolution of a Screen Name
Throughout the history of my life, my Internet habits have changed, and as such, so has my screen name. I’ve seen some crazy ones out there, though I can’t say that mine haven’t been bad either. Here’s a brief history … Read More
Road Trip to Hades
For spring break, my roommate spent a week in Cancun. My best friend went to Cabo. My dog Max just stayed home, but at least he can fellate himself regularly. Alas, I’m not so lucky. I went to Hades. That’s … Read More
