The Squelch has long been in a need of an official mascot. Like most student organizations, we need a logo to put on all the obnoxious shirts we make everyone wear. Plus, distribution is a lot easier when people see … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
A Children’s Hospital Run By Children
A Children’s Hospital Run By Children
Patient Care
Patient (Age 5): Doctor, I don’t feel good inside. I’m all squirmy in my brain. And my legs won’t stop kicking!
Dr. Billy (Age 9): Lemme ask you one question. Have you … Read More
Diary Confessions of a Community Service Frat Boy
9/1 Got my bid for Alpha Phi Omega community service frat today. Guess I’m a “bro” now. Just bought my first pair of sunglasses!
9/23 It’s tough being a bro. The fast times, the women, the endless hours of mind-numbing … Read More
Existential Teen Comedies
American Pie presents: No Exit
Three high school seniors made a pledge to lose their virginity before the end of their senior year. The only problem? The boys are locked in a hotel room that will be their private hell … Read More
A Guide to College Drinking
Many people drink in college, but few are true connoisseurs. Lucky for you, however, the entire staff of the Heuristic Squelch belongs to the alcoholic elité. Allow us to break down a few of the finer points of collegiate beverages.… Read More
Magick Security Alert
Dear Campus Community,
We are writing to address a disturbing new trend on campus. You may have heard rumors about a few incidents involving student safety, and we want to assure you that the problem is under control. We … Read More
Future Battles
Now, for the first time on DVD, The History Channel is proud to present FUTURE BATTLES: A Military History of THE FUTURE. Get a glimpse of the greatest triumphs and cruelest defeats the world will ever know as FUTURE … Read More
Dr. Grimm’s Fairy Tale Relationship Counseling
Cinderella
Prince Squarejaw: I was very clear about my proclivities when we first met. I don’t know why this is suddenly a problem.
Cinderella: I’m willing to indulge his little quirks every now and then, but maybe we don’t have … Read More
A Middle School Girl’s Idea of What the Rest of Life is Like
APPLYING FOR A JOB
Interviewer: Very nice, and your master’s degree was from Wesleyan as well?
Middle School Girl: Yes, sir.
Interviewer: Hmm, I think I’m missing the part of your resume where you list who asked you to the … Read More
Minutes of the Drunk Illuminati
Present: Alexander the Great, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Ulysses S. Grant, John Wayne, Dean Martin, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Jackson Pollock, Jimi Hendrix, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, Jim Morrison, Jack Kerouac, Elvis Presley.
8:02 Opening beers distributed. Alexander the Great … Read More
