Stupid people always complain about how hard it is to discover something or invent something or remember what time Gilmore Girls is on. And smart people, I’m told, watch PBS and listen to NPR. If they were so smart, they’d … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
T.S.M.I.T.W.
It’s hard being the Strongest Man in the World. Most people would brush this assertion off, saying something like “No, it’s not.” What they don’t realize is, I plan to take their wallet and piledrive them into a steam grate … Read More
A Guide to University Speech Codes
Concordant with the rise of political correctness in academia, many universities around the country are starting to implement “speech codes” to educate any ignorant peoples that attend such institutions. This seems a perfect fit for Berkeley, as our new “Principles … Read More
The Three Investigators and the Adventure of the Dead Pope
Jupiter, Pete, and Bob were walking down a busy city street.
“It sure is great to be here visiting scenic Rome,” said Pete breezily, as the three entered the heart of the Vatican. “And it’s great that your grand-uncle got … Read More
If Every Problem at Cal Could Be Solved with a Form Letter
September 24, 2004
University of California, Berkeley
Billing and Payment Services
192 University Hall #1110
Berkeley, CA 94720
Dear UC Regents:
Thank you for your interest in receiving the money we owe you. We are always pleased to hear from … Read More
Road Trip to Hades
For spring break, my roommate spent a week in Cancun. My best friend went to Cabo. My dog Max just stayed home, but at least he can fellate himself regularly. Alas, I’m not so lucky. I went to Hades. That’s … Read More
Disneyland: The Deadliest Place on Earth
Guy Falls Off Tom Sawyer Raft and Dies
Chances are, if you fall off a slow-moving simulated raft ride into a shallow mock river and die, you just weren’t meant to be here in the first place. The “river” that … Read More
Words from the Top
Godspeed
In this, my final Words from the Top as your beloved Editor-in-Chief, I’d like to now take this opportunity to run down a list of as many terms for female genitalia as possible:
Pussy. Vagina. Labia. Murderer’s Row. Twat. Pudendum. … Read More
The 1944 Olympics
DANFORTH: Welcome to the 1944 Olympics! We’re coming to you live from the Olympics that no one thought would ever happen. While most of the World’s more impressive atheletes are currently vaulting over landmines, kayaking past enemy positions, and Greco-Roman … Read More
Hobbit Losers
Name: Hobo
Problem: Homelessness
GANDALF: Hurry Hobo, the Ringwraiths are coming! You must leave the Shire at once! Take the ring and go to the town of Bree. I will meet you there.
HOBO: Ring? Man, I done traded it … Read More
