The Principal
Jaime Escalante: Principal Richman, I look forward to teaching these kids. They come from nothing, and no one believes in them, but I can get through to them. I’ll show them that calculGAA
Principal: Wait a second, you’re … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Words from the Top
JOKE! Apologies Are for Ethnics
_Last month, we ran a piece called “A Guide to University Speech Codes.” However, we seem to have forgotten to include the word “JOKE!” in big block letters before satirizing the climate of hysterical political correctness on college campuses. In … Read More
The Real Wonder Years
Ah, the Wonder Years. That special time in a boy’s life from 8 to 8:30 on ABC’s Wednesday night lineup. Sadly, the show deeply misled the youth of America by making us think that during any conversation or event in … Read More
Fellow Delegates of Apartment 401
The start of the school year brings about many new changes: freshmen are now sophomores and the library begins to resemble an Asian immigration office. However, the most important change takes place not on campus, but rather in my apartment, … Read More
The Mailman Doesn’t Deliver on Sundays
Karl Malone spent his entire career with the Utah Jazz, but never won a championship. In the biggest game of Karl Malone’s career, Michael Jordan stole the ball from him, and then hit the game-winning shot. Karl Malone sucks. Last … Read More
Short Conversations
Guy 1: Hey, looks like we ordered the same omelette.
Guy 2: Good taste! [laughter]
Guy 1: Mind if I join you?
Guy 2: Not at all!
[eating]
Guy 2: My parents were murdered when I was sixteen.
Guy 1:… Read More
Words from the Top
Being Smart Is Easy
Stupid people always complain about how hard it is to discover something or invent something or remember what time Gilmore Girls is on. And smart people, I’m told, watch PBS and listen to NPR. If they were so smart, they’d … Read More
T.S.M.I.T.W.
It’s hard being the Strongest Man in the World. Most people would brush this assertion off, saying something like “No, it’s not.” What they don’t realize is, I plan to take their wallet and piledrive them into a steam grate … Read More
A Guide to University Speech Codes
Concordant with the rise of political correctness in academia, many universities around the country are starting to implement “speech codes” to educate any ignorant peoples that attend such institutions. This seems a perfect fit for Berkeley, as our new “Principles … Read More
The Three Investigators and the Adventure of the Dead Pope
Jupiter, Pete, and Bob were walking down a busy city street.
“It sure is great to be here visiting scenic Rome,” said Pete breezily, as the three entered the heart of the Vatican. “And it’s great that your grand-uncle got … Read More
