From the makers of Invisalign, the invisible braces, comes Invisimask. The Invisimask system is a mostly painless system for facial correction and beautification. Developed by NASA for ugly astronauts, the patented space-age Uglon technology subtly alters your facial features while … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Back-Alley Mike’s School of Back-Alley Self-Defense
Thanks to the Democrats, 3-time “King of the C-Block Showers” Back-Alley Mike is back on the street to teach you the fundamentals of self defense.
“Staring down the barrel of a gun is one of the most challenging situations … Read More
Discount Wisdom
They say the lion is the king of the jungle, but I think it’s the bulldozer.
I sympathize with animal rights activists, because I think animals are people too. Inferior, delicious, inhuman people.
People always tell me I make delicious … Read More
Grey’s Anatomy
INT. MEDICAL HOSPITAL – NIGHT
It’s the third shift at a DOWNTOWN medical hospital. DESPITE the LATE hour, the HOSPITAL is humming STEADILY.
The camera tracks through the hospital, showing us many hospital
things, then follows a gurney as it … Read More
Words from the Top
We’re Not Very Lucky
Congratulations on obtaining a copy of the Heuristic Squelch. Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that by accepting this issue, you too have fallen under the curse of a mysterious Native American shaman. Sorry, our bad. We’d like to explain … Read More
High-Brow Erotic Fanfiction
“The Battle of Man-Asses”
Author: RebCake20
Source: Ken Burns’ “The Civil War”
[The camera pans out from an aged photograph as a sorrowful and rustic violin plays an old Southern requiem. The photo is of two men with scraggly … Read More
Words From The Top
47 Things Every Freshman Should Know
- Being ten minutes late for class is no problem; we call it “Berkeley time.”
- Your Cal ID card can be used for one free rental at Blockbuster.
- You can always ask for a take-home final exam instead of an in-class
What if Karl Marx Lived in a Co-Op?
Marx participates in the system of collectivist production!
Co-opper: Hey Marx, dinnertime!
Marx: Finally! What are we having?
Co-opper: Tofu and eggplant casserole, fruit we got from Dumpster diving, and some dirt we found in the yard.
Marx: That’s repulsive. … Read More
Urban Myths
Myth: A penny placed on the tracks will derail a train.
Status: False. Trains can only be derailed when an interracial child is born. It’s God’s way of saying no.
Myth: On average, a person eats eight spiders a year.… Read More
Kilimanjaro
Thank you all for coming.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m tired. I’m tired of the stares. I’m tired of the questions. I’m tired of this burden that I bear. It’s finally time to tell you all what happened on Mt. Kilimanjaro … Read More
