Let’s face it; you’re not getting any. In fact, you haven’t gotten any, and by the look of things (you in a bathrobe eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch at three in the afternoon), you’re not going to get any. And by … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
A Little Something for the Ladies
An open letter to all you female readers out there, guaranteed to soak through even the most absorbent of pants.
Hey there, lady.
That’s right, you know who this is. You must know, then, that it’s that time again for … Read More
My Rejected Sitcom
“My Body and Me”
_Nate is a young man whose life is tragically cut short. Now he’s in heaven hanging out with all his internal organs as they go on a series of crazy, afterlife adventures. Hang on, because this season is gonna be … Read More
Drunk Driving: Just Say Yo!
It happens every Saturday night all over America, in towns just like yours. Young people gather to have a few drinks, and those drinks turn into a few too many. Then, tragedy strikes: there’s no decent food around. In fact, … Read More
The Truth About the Future
In the 1980’s, no doubt you imagined that the year 2000 would be filled with futuristic Jetsonesque wonders like flying cars, moving floors, and equality in the workplace. Oh, how very wrong you were. We at the Squelch are here … Read More
Rumsfeld Resignation Address
[Rumsfeld enters and takes the podium]
Thank you all for coming. As you may have inferred from the mid-term election results, I am resigning the post of Secretary of Defense. Before I take leave of you, I have … Read More
In-Class Drinking Games
Political Science
Take a Shot every time the one Libertarian tries to change the discussion to how pot should be legal.
Take a Shot of Vodka each time a student uses the term “capitalist” like it means “AIDS”
Person to … Read More
Homeless Comedians
Jerry Seinfeld
I don’t know about you guys, but I like to stay clean. But it’s so much trouble these days. Every time you get clean you’re just gonna rub vomit in your hair all over again.
[laughter]… Read More
Invisimask Advertisement
From the makers of Invisalign, the invisible braces, comes Invisimask. The Invisimask system is a mostly painless system for facial correction and beautification. Developed by NASA for ugly astronauts, the patented space-age Uglon technology subtly alters your facial features while … Read More
Back-Alley Mike’s School of Back-Alley Self-Defense
Thanks to the Democrats, 3-time “King of the C-Block Showers” Back-Alley Mike is back on the street to teach you the fundamentals of self defense.
“Staring down the barrel of a gun is one of the most challenging situations … Read More
