Volume 16, Issue 3: Save Our Building
Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
The Heuristic Playboy
Latest Issue
Discount Wisdom
They say the lion is the king of the jungle, but I think it’s the bulldozer.
I sympathize with animal rights activists, because I think animals are people too. Inferior, delicious, inhuman people.
People always tell me I make delicious pizza pie. Well God Damnit, which is it?!
I don’t think that Pop Tarts should come in packages of two like they do, because it only reminds me that I’m eating all alone again.
If I ever come back as a ghost, I won’t be an Uncle Tom like that fuck Slimer.
Sometimes I wake up screaming. And then I realize I was never asleep to begin with.
Fantasy football is a pretty big waste of time. Unicorns make lousy fullbacks.
I imagine it was harder to be an atheist in ancient Greece, because with so many gods, chances are at least ONE of them was real.
It’s hard to distinguish right from wrong. Especially when the Pope is holding a gun to your head.
Dad wasn’t overly strict with our punishments, he really just wanted us to be prepared for our future. Or at least that’s what I would tell myself whenever we broke curfew and he would make us dig our own graves.
The Truth About the Future
In the 1980’s, no doubt you imagined that the year 2000 would be filled with futuristic Jetsonesque wonders like flying cars, moving floors, and equality in the workplace. Oh, how very wrong you were. We at the Squelch are here to confirm or debunk the fantasies you have about the future, because we believe our readers deserve to hear the cold straight truth. And also because we enjoy crushing your stupid, stupid dreams.
Fantasy : “Everyone in the future will drive a flying car.”
Reality : Flying cars will be cheap to purchase and easy to fly. Unfortunately, they will only be able to fly straight up.
Fantasy : “All food will be consumed in pill form.”
Reality : Just the opposite. For example, a dose of Extra Strength Tylenol will be administered in the form of an entire fried turkey leg.
Fantasy : “Humans will unknowingly consume human flesh in the form of Soylent Green.”
Reality : No such product will ever exist. However, McDonalds will introduce the slightly less subtle “McPeople Deluxe.”
Fantasy : “Nanotechnology will cure all disease.”
Reality : True. Nanotechnology will cure all diseases that were caused by nanotechnology.
Fantasy : “The hole in the ozone layer will be repaired.”
Reality : True. But the much more dangerous hole in the earth’s crust will get much larger.
Fantasy : “Robots will be invented and work for the good of mankind.”
Reality : True, except for the robots on welfare.
Fantasy : “Cancer will be eradicated.”
Reality : True. Robots will no longer get cancer.
**
Fantasy**: “Man will make contact with alien life.”
Reality : True. Unfortunately, man will also make contact with alien charm, alien sofa, and ultimately, alien AIDS.
Fantasy : “The world will adopt an alternative source of energy.”
Reality : Also true. Unfortunately, “the world” is “the alien homeworld,” and the “alternative source of energy” is “human slaves.”
Fantasy : “The world will enter a utopian age of peace.”
Reality : True. Apocalyptic disasters will reduce the world’s population to two people, who get along well enough, technically constituting “world peace.” This golden age will end when one fails to invite the other to his birthday party, resulting in an age of “world awkwardness.”
In-Class Drinking Games
Political Science
Take a Shot every time the one Libertarian tries to change the discussion to how pot should be legal.
Take a Shot of Vodka each time a student uses the term “capitalist” like it means “AIDS”
Person to Your Right Drinks when you’re the first to spot the forty year old woman who arrives 20 minutes late.
Take Three Shots when someone asks “and what of the tragic death of Freddie Mercury due to capitalism?”
Computer Science
010 IF “girl”=“in class” THEN GOTO 020 ELSE GOTO 030
020 EXECUTE “two sips”
030 CONTINUE “masturbating alone in shower”
Any DeCal about Comic Books
Drink a Snifter of Brandy every time someone says the word “mythos.”
Drink a Sake Bomb once the discussion gets to the inevitable part in the comic’s history where the hero begins beating up Japs.
Shotgun a Beer for every impromptu game of “Who would win in a fight?”
Geology
Chug a Rolling Rock every time the professor makes some joke about stratography or igneousness or whatever the fuck that shit is.
Take a Shot every time you realize you’re in a three-hour lecture about rocks.
Take a Shot at some other major for Christ’s sake.
Ethnic Studies
Take a Shot when your professor performs a retina-detachingly dramatic eye-roll after saying “George W. Bush.”
Take Two Shots when the professor asks a question that is obviously meant to be answered with “It’s white people’s fault.”
Chug an Imported Beer when the mention of an ethnicity-specific food causes everyone of that ethnicity to loudly express their like of that food.
Sociology
Take 1 shot every time your professor starts a sentence with “check this out.”
Take 2 shots when your professor ends that sentence with a hand gesture in place of an actual word.
Take 3 shots every time the professor refers to the dog with a bandana around its neck as “your GSI.”
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“I can go outside again!”
— Janice Evans, Kansas City, MO
“Only 6 more months and I won’t cry so much!”
— Nathan Daniels, Brooklyn, NY
“Ah am gon suu yuh mohhstahs.”
— Felix Thomas, La Jolla, CA * **
- Note: Invisimask may cause permanent facial nerve damage. By “may” we mean “will.”
** By trying to decipher this man’s slurred speech you have legally waived all rights to sue
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Homeless Comedians
Jerry Seinfeld
I don’t know about you guys, but I like to stay clean. But it’s so much trouble these days. Every time you get clean you’re just gonna rub vomit in your hair all over again.
[laughter]
Am I right? [applause] And then you have to ask for change, but you always have these people telling you that change comes from within. Well if that were true I’d be rubbing nickels in my hair instead of vomit. [funky homeless bass lick]
Dane Cook
Oh man, you know what I love? When you’re pissing in a TRASH CAN in broad daylight and a HOT CHICK comes up, you know, and it’s all like WHAPACHOW! You get crazy wood, and suddenly you’re like spraying piss EVERYWHERE, and it’s like fucking SLOOOW MOTIOOON and all your piss hits her in the face all like [makes funny face]. Good times, good times… God I miss my house.
[ten minutes of random microphone noises]
Jon Stewart
…prompting a scathing review of current economic policy. [holds up poorly photoshopped image of Stewart urinating on self with the caption “Piss Poor.” Audience laughs] Oh, you guys like that one? The…uh…the pee? [does George W Bush laugh]
Carrot Top
This here’s for when y’all wanna sleep on the subway and you don’t want nobody botherin’ you! [holds up newspaper with headline “Local Homeless Man Kills People Who Don’t Let Him Sleep Good on the Subway”] Ah-heh heh! It also helps you not freeze! I get…I get so cold, sometimes. Ah-heh heh!
Mitch Hedberg
I asked this dude, “Could you spare some change?” He told me, “Nah man, prosecute it to the full extent of the law.”
[silence from the audience]
Man, you guys all must be tired from cleaning your houses or something.
Chris Tucker
Givememoneyneedsomedollarsmaaaan!
Chris Rock
GIVE! ME! MONEY!
Gallagher
In retrospect, I could have eaten that rather than smashing it.
Really Hot Chick Rejected from Boalt
Upon receiving her rejection letter from the Boalt School of Law, AOPi sister Allison Summer tragically discovered that her “Everything I Need To Know In Life I Learned From Legally Blonde” poster was total fucking bullshit.
“My application video was perfect!” she whined. “My sister and I had a pillow fight! She’s a Delia’s model! What could have possibly gone wrong?”
Plenty, according to Walter Chobdok, Dean of Admissions at the Boalt school. “What? Who?” Chobdok said. “Oh, the pillow fight girl? Well if you want a comment I guess I’d have to go with ‘dangerously unqualified.’ There was no possible way we would even consider this. She sent us her PSAT scores, okay? At one point during her video application, she mentioned how much she looked forward to meeting the rest of this season’s Real World cast. She is less than dead to us.”
Despite the rejection, and rejections from Harvard, Georgetown, and Elimidate, Summer remains hopeful. “There’s always congress!” she bubbled. She and her small dog then snorked up an eighth of blow and went down on some guys from Fiji.
Rumsfeld Resignation Address
[Rumsfeld enters and takes the podium]
Thank you all for coming. As you may have inferred from the mid-term election results, I am resigning the post of Secretary of Defense. Before I take leave of you, I have a few words that I’ve been saving since I was graciously awarded this position.
Let me begin by saying what a fat group of cocksuckers you all are. For the record, any time I ever got up in front of this podium, I spent most of my time wondering how you assholes would taste if I were to cook you. Charlie from the Post always ranked as the most delicious in my mind. A lifetime of Kentucky bourbon, Thai ladyboys, and Oxycontin will make you nice and tender as this fat fuck demonstrates. You’re the motherfucking veal of this shitbox press corps, Charlie.
Sheryl Stolberg from the Times gets my vote for most unappetizing. That bitch is so far left I bet her liver would taste like donkey turds, and take that from someone who has eaten a lot of human liver and a lot of animal excrement. Also, Sherrie, some personal advice: Your haircut makes you look like a dyke. I doubt you actually play for the other team though, because for the last six years you’ve had a cock up your ass that’s SO BIG I’m surprised it doesn’t have its own congressional district.
So how did this all happen? I’ll tell you. You’re all a bunch of skirt-wearing sallies that take their marching orders from a few frothing-at-the-mouth shut-ins who spend all of their time prattling on about bullshit issues like “human rights” and “not torturing people.” If you pulled your head out of your cavernous asses and thought about the realities for a moment instead of mindlessly regurgitating the tripe spewed out by the Rascal-piloting Whopper-guzzling lard-belching pansies running DailyIHateAmerica.com, then I’d still have this job and we’d be making progress in Iran.
[an aide hurriedly rushes up to whisper something to Rumsfeld]
What? Oh, right, I meant Iraq. Well fuck it, I don’t care who knows now. Open wide Ahmadinejad, because Uncle Sam is
going to facefuck the oil reserve right out of you. We’re going to need a good meal too, because we’re going to get hungry again 15 minutes after we nuke the shit out of Shanghai.
Where does this all leave us? Well it leaves me with a guaranteed book deal, a portfolio that makes me richer than God, and the chance to get upwards of $100,000 per stupid speech I make at rat hole events and institutions. Hey Sherrie, maybe I can come speak at your coming out party, heh heh heh. Just kidding, I wouldn’t want to get within five miles of the unshaved patchoulisnatched stable of rugmunchers you’re sure to keep around. Really, go fuck yourself Sherrie.
Ol’ Bob Gates from the CIA will be taking over for me soon. Hey Bob, sold much crack in Los Angeles lately? Ha ha, I kid, I kid. But seriously, he’s a criminal.
Any questions?
[the hands of all the reporters shoot up as they begin shouting for Rumsfelds attention]
Sike. Well, I’m out of here. Think of me when an Iraqi is sawing off your head while you sleep. Cocksuckers.
[Rumsfeld drops the microphone, gives the reporters the middle finger, and leaves]
Grey’s Anatomy
INT. MEDICAL HOSPITAL – NIGHT
It’s the third shift at a DOWNTOWN medical hospital. DESPITE the LATE hour, the HOSPITAL is humming STEADILY.
The camera tracks through the hospital, showing us many hospital
things, then follows a gurney as it races out of the emergency room.
MEREDITH GREY (NARRATION)
They say jealousy is a word like any other.
But what they don’t say is that that any
other word is poison.
DR. PRESTON BURKE runs alongside the gurney, opposite SANDRA OH.
PRESTON BURKE
We need a morphine drip and an intubation tray, stat!
PATIENT
> (groaning)Doc, doctor, I, really need some help…SANDRA OH
> (handing Preston the tray)Here, try not to sleep with it!PRESTON BURKE
How was I to know you were also sleeping with Jamie?
PATIENT
> (spitting blood)Oh god! My insides have gone outsides!SANDRA OH
His O2 levels are dropping. He’s suffocating.
PRESTON BURKE
I can relate.
BLACK NURSE
> (making a snapping sound)OH SNAP!PATIENT
> (sobbing)…please…medicine!SANDRA OH
I tried to give you space. You used it to bag a nurse!
PRESTON BURKE
You may be the finest obstiocardiothrombocologist I’ve ever met, but you’re a bitch!
SILENCE as the entire hospital GASPS.
BLACK NURSE
Doctor, the patient is … dead.
SANDRA OH
No!
> (pointing at Preston)YOU’RE dead … to ME!
CUE OPENING CREDITS
INT. ELEVATOR – NIGHT
The TWO ATTRACTIVE DOCTORS stare straight ahead. There’s so much tension that you can feel it.
HOT-BLACK-DOCTOR2
I thought you transferred.
HOT-WHITE-DOCTOR2
I did.
HOT-BLACK-DOCTOR2
I see you’re back.
HOT-WHITE-DOCTOR2
I am.
HOT-BLACK-DOCTOR2
I still blame you for everything.
HOT-WHITE-DOCTOR2
I know.
The elevator BINGS to a stop. The other doctors and nurses get off, leaving only the two doctors.
HOT-BLACK-DOCTOR2
I think we should have some more hot interracial sex.
They DO.
INT. ROOM WITH SURGERIES
Meredith and that guy who kind of looks like Bobby from Party of Five are threading a needle through a heart.
MEREDITH GREY
I just can’t believe you’d do that to me.
DEREK SHEPHERD
I did it FOR you.
She takes his hand. He stitches the heart tighter.
MEREDITH GREY
But I, I just don’t know if I can do this…
The heart rips in half.
DEREK SHEPHERD
> (Emmy Awardwinningly) Meredith, love isn’t about knowing you can do things.
They kiss through their masks, and the heart unrips itself together again. NOTE: MAKE SURE THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THE HEART AND THAT FLASHING ORANGE TEXT READING “SYMBOLISM” COVERS THE SCREEN. ALSO A SIREN SHOULD BLARE.
BEGIN MONTAGE
MUSIC: Coldplay. If possible two Coldplay tracks playing at the same
time.
CLIPS: HOT-BLACK-DOCTOR2 and HOT-WHITE-DOCTOR2 sleeping peacefully together on the floor of the elevator.
Sandra Oh and Preston Burke looking pensive in different parts of the hospital as various patients die around them.
Some patient from the episode doing something, like maybe walking for the first time, interspliced with clips of one of the main characters being shot or hit by a car.
END MONTAGE
INT. MEDICAL HOSPITAL – NIGHT, IT’S ALWAYS NIGHT
The hospital is finally quiet and thoughtful.
MEREDITH GREY (NARRATOR)
Jealousy. J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y. A word you can’t spell without U. Or Y. Or L.
SOUND of the narrator nodding vigorously.
FADE TO BLACK.
Great Moments in the History of Invention
Explosives
Inventor of the Dynamite Stick : MOTHER FUCK! OH FUCK MY MOTHERFUCKING ARM IS GONE!!!
Inventor of the Dynamite Fuse : Next time, try using one of these. It’s called a fuse.
Inventor of the Dynamite Stick : Will that fix my arm??
Inventor of the Dynamite Fuse : Sure! … Oh your arm. No. Hey, did you fall asleep? Bill?
Plastic Silverware
Inventor of the Spork : This is great! Now I only have one utensil to worry about!
Friend : Which is good for you, seeing as how you only have one arm ever since you invented dynamite.
Inventor of the Spork : How about you invent shutting the fuck up?
Contraception
Prostitute : Finally, my sores have stopped bleeding! Well, the ones in my mouth anyway. So are you coming to bed or what?
Inventor of the Condom : [looking between penis and pile of sheep’s intestines] Yes. Yes I am.
Abortion
Woman : God, I thought we were being so careful.
Man : I know, honey, I know! We must have made a mistake somewhere. How will we manage? Our budget is stretched so tight as it is.
Woman : And I’m just about to get that promotion at work. What will we do?
Man : [viciously punches her in the stomach] Eureka!
Fire
Caveman : Jesus Christ, whoever that is, it’s fucking cold outside! Hey, why is it warmer in this cave?
Scientist Caveman : This roaring orange pile of wood here. It’s making heat. I call it “fire.”
Caveman : Incredible, Scientist Caveman! What wonders will you invent next?
Scientist Caveman : [shoving the other caveman into the fire]
Barbecue.
Medicine
Doctor : Amazing! How did you ever come up with this, doctor?
Inventor of Penicillin : Well, actually, I just shot up a syringe-full of every chemical I could find into my body and this last one kinda made my syphilis feel better.
Doctor : Brilliant! How many injections did it take?
Inventor of Penicillin : 48. The 32nd injection is really starting to disagree with me. Does my tongue taste as purple to me as it does to you?
Keytar
Man : Hey guys, look at this new thing I–
Other Man : [punches Man in the face]
Personal Massager
Husband : Hey, um, honey? Listen, I, uh, I’m really glad you’ve been enjoying my new invention, and it’s good to know that you appreciate it, but…it’s just that you haven’t really been using it in the way I intended.
Wife : Well how did you want me to use it?
Husband : Oh, I don’t know…Your neck, maybe? Like, your shoulders? Things that are more like sore spots, and less like your vagina.
Wife : Well maybe you can invent a way for my clitoris to be on my neck and shoulders then.
Husband : Hmmm…[strokes chin]
Female Circumcision
Husband : Look, honey, I got some bad news…
