Biomedical Sciences major Phu Loc Tran returned to his room Thursday evening to find the door bolted shut, presumably by his masturbating roommate. “I was just going to grab my books after dinner and get some studying done, but then … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Famous Fred’s Vegetarian House of Meats
Made with only the highest quality meats from animals that deserved to die
Sirloin Steak Skewers $17.95
Fred lets you be judge, jury, and executioner when you order his scrumptious sliced top sirloin made exclusively from child-molesting cattle. Marinated in a Szechwan sauce with chili, garlic, cayenne pepper, and sweet justice. Served with … Read More
Obscure Moments In Film History
Every viewing of Disney’s Goonies (1985) fills me with the same seeping dread.
It comes near the end of Goonies when the father takes the contract which would have sold his home to greedy land developers and rips it up, … Read More
Rights Groups Seek to Reclaim Word “Fag”
A coalition of fraternity members, hicks, and fundamentalists have joined forces recently to reclaim the word “fag” from homosexuals, whom they say have twisted it’s meaning in recent years.
“Dude, back in the day, before we got the new porch, … Read More
Words From The Top
Car for Sale
A lot has happened since the Squelch and its readers parted ways for the summer. The ASUC continues to fund student “service” groups so that they can stay at hotels and go on whitewater rafting trips in the Sierras and … Read More
Budget Cuts Force Release of Intelligent Monkeys
Hard hit by budget cuts, Berkeley’s Integrative Biology department announced the imminent release of their “hive” of genetically- enhanced hyper-intelligent monkeys.
“We would’ve loved to protect our adored super-chimps from these cuts, but in a crisis something had to give,” … Read More
What This Sci-Fi Movie Needs is Some Quasi-Philosophical Elements and Overt Judeo-Christian Symbolism
Pull up a chair and order some Thai fusion, Henderson. Our big-budget Sci-fi movie “Robots Inc.” just isn’t jelling. I know we’ve got the gritty, industrial futuristic themes and the flimsy excuse for bullet-time slow-mo sequences; we’ve got DJ Mo-vo, … Read More
Foothill Freshman Boils, Preserves Penis in Mason Jar
Upon arriving at the La Loma Dormitory, 18-year-old Freshman Joseph Whittaker learned the terrible secret of all who would dwell within its walls. Explained his RA, “All freshman males in La Loma and Hillside must preserve their penises in a … Read More
Top Seven Things You’ll Find While Driving Lost in a Movie
- Michael J. Fox
- Two cults of children, locked in eternal struggle, at the same coffee stand you were at two minutes ago
- Two cults of children who murder people, locked in eternal struggle
- A cult of children that murder people
Top Five Foolish Things to Sell Your Soul For
- Fudge
- The Presidency of the United States during a time of peril when the country actually needs a president committed to protecting the freedom we cherish instead of pushing aregressive tax structure unheard of since when child labor was considered
