Welcome to Cal. By this time, thanks to the massive spiritual coming-together of 18 year-olds freed for the first time in a new city and kegs of Natural Ice freed to flow once again from their summer hiatus in retched-beer … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Makeshift Hairbrushes
- Slinky
- Broken stencil, letters A-J
- Hairbrush whittled out of a potato
- Stretch of shag carpeting that once had 7-Up poured on it but has now dried
- Complete set of 32 ginsu knives
- Baseball cap
- Half-pound of spaghetti
- Another dude’s even
Top Ten Warning Signs Your Date is a Date-Rapist
- He carries pills in his pocket, but when you ask him what they are for, he says something that sounds like “raping you,” then stammers a lot and finally ends up saying something feeble and unconvincing that rhymes with “raping
Top Ten Gums that Cure Erectile Dysfunction
- Dick Gum: Gum for Your Dick
- Dickorette
- The toothless gums of your sexy grandmother (fellating me)
- Bazooka Johnspn
- Juicy Fruitbasket
- Dicklets
- Doublewidth
- XXXtra
- Big Red
- Humple Yum
Top Ten Ways to Meet a Girl at Berkeley
- Two words: Platinum codpiece
- Learn a couple Elliot Smith songs on acoustic guitar; instantly become ball-deep in poontang
- E-vite for one
- Become an RA
- Ask your ex for all her friends’ phone numbers
- Hang out outside girl’s bathroom. Try very
Top Two Unanswered Requests of God
- All the starving people
- Miraculous 2nd coat of wax on my Thunderbird
Top Five Foolish Things to Sell Your Soul For
- Fudge
- The Presidency of the United States during a time of peril when the country actually needs a president committed to protecting the freedom we cherish instead of pushing aregressive tax structure unheard of since when child labor was considered
Top Seven Things You’ll Find While Driving Lost in a Movie
- Michael J. Fox
- Two cults of children, locked in eternal struggle, at the same coffee stand you were at two minutes ago
- Two cults of children who murder people, locked in eternal struggle
- A cult of children that murder people
Top Ten Subject Lines for Penis Enlargement Spam
- Break her apart and put your person-sized dick on trial for murder
- Require attendants to carry your oxen-sized member on a tarp
- Suck the rest of the blood from your body with your blistering red penis
- Embarass yourself in public
Top Ten Reasons to Kick Someone in the Shins
- You already kicked them in the nads
- Because you’re Jean Claude Van Damme and that’s what you do. You kick. The shins are incidental.
- The shins belong to Hitler
- You haven’t kicked anyone in the shins yet today
- Their shins