Words From The Top

Car for Sale

A lot has happened since the Squelch and its readers parted ways for the summer. The ASUC continues to fund student “service” groups so that they can stay at hotels and go on whitewater rafting trips in the Sierras and have sex with 10 year-old Laotian whores while snorting platinum-laced cocaine off of endangered wildlife and at the same time slashing funding to publications and other student groups that actually improve campus life for hundreds or thousands of students.

Throughout the state, a parade of dipshits line up to sneak into the back door of the capitol, making Sacramento look a whole lot like Darrell Issa on a Tuesday night down by the docks.

And of course Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez bombed in the cutting edge romantic comedy about lesbianism and brain damage, “Gigli,” a movie alternatingly called “heinous” and “the worst move of the last ten years” by every critic in America. Except for Joel Siegel, of course, who would call even a film strip of Dave Coulier jizzing into a bottle of grape soda “the must-see film event of the summer.”

What’s being lost in all the mind-blowing Republican vindictiveness and Ben Affleck’s fake tattoos, is that my car is for sale and you, yes you, can buy it.

What kind of car is it, you ask? A state-of-the-art 1989 Volkswagen Jetta with a heart-pounding 2.0 liter in-line four cylinder engine pumping out over 100 horsepower. I think.

The car comes with a five-speed manual transmission, four wheels, four tires, brakes, four doors, antenna, radio, and windshield. Notice I didn’t say if any of those things worked or were unbroken/uncracked. I think it has a steering wheel. It also doesn’t have a working odometer. But what do you need an odometer for? You probably don’t even know what an odometer is. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Steve. Why are you such a tool? You won’t get any girls if you don’t know what an odometer is. Look, I don’t care how big it is, if you don’t know about cars, the girls’ll dis you. I tell you this because I love you.

Anyway, it’s a car that hugs the road so well that my girlfriend, enthralled by the car’s ride, vomits with excitement at the end of most long road trips. In short, it’s a prime example of European engineering.

It really does run quite well and has recently undergone several mechanical repairs. It also really is for sale. $1300/obo. Email feedback@squelched.com for more info.

Welcome to a new year. Welcome to the Squelch. Come write for us.