- Picture of an eye, a yam, f + four-leaf clover + ing
- Soldering iron on door, a la Home Alone
- Write “Virgin-ville. Population: only you, Dave”
- Bouncer
- Leaving door open
- Message on answering machine
- Elaborate Birds/Bees metaphors
- Write “I am
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Cutest Things Ever
- The Second cutest thing, after you
kill the cutest thing - Kitty riding a Care Bear vomiting
rainbows - Oscar and Elmo reconciling their
feud - Really, really cuddly lobsters
- Your daughter’s first pearl necklace
- Bambi, smiling
- Panda hugging a
Top Three Responses to “Have You Pledged CalPIRG?”
- Perhaps… perhaps…
- No
- Yes
Top Ten Least Effective Study Strategies
- Run the book over your naked body
- Write an equal sign, take a shot
- Pull the Fire Alarm of Knowledge
- Scrape ink off books, snort ink
- Watch Billy Madison 12 times
- Take Grampa’s advice to “wisen up” to heart
- Eat
Top Ten Nice Things to Say to Someone with a Terminal Disease
- Don’t worry… you’re gonna be
just… f-f-fine! [Sob] - Not many people get to make
TWO wishes. - Don’t worry. We’ll bury it with you
eventually. - Now you won’t have to see your
hamster eventually die - Don’t be
R&B Lyrics Too Implicit For Middle Schoolers
“Pony,” the breakthrough hit from R&B star Ginuwine, was barred from all future play at Willard Middle School dances after school officials declared the song’s lyrics to be too tame for the student body.
“‘Send chills up and down your … Read More
Ostensible Fun Fact Turns Out to Be Terrifying Omen
On Wednesday evening, shortly after consuming his fourth banana of the day, Cal junior Bryan Dempsey opened a bottle of Snapple only to find the short but harrowing factoid “Eating bananas makes you more attractive to mosquitoes” staring up at … Read More
A Berkeley Homecoming
What if all of Berkeley’s heroes came to visit their adoring campus? Well, they’d probably like Top Dog, for starters.
Prologue
STEVE: Hey, you know what’d be awesome? If we got all of our heroes to come to Berkeley.
JOSH:… Read More
Women’s Sexuality De-Cal Walked in On
The Women’s Sexuality De-Cal class was deeply embarrassed last weekend when its Mother walked in on them, unaware.
The class, both famed and controversial for its explicit exploration of female sexual topics, was in the middle of a hot and … Read More
Top Ten Jewish Oldies
- Alef, Bet, Vet (It’s Easy as Ahaat,
Shtahyeem, Shahlosh) - Sixteen Candles (Divided By Two)
- Where the Goys Are
- Runaround Jew
- Jailhouse Lox
- I Left My Heart in Warsaw
- You Can’t Always Get What You
Want (For Hanukkah) - Johnny