_Coming from a comfortable home in Orange County, I caught a lot of flak from my family and friends when I decided to attend Berkeley. They were concerned about the “urban environment,” the sub-par buildings, and the other common reservations. But there was always one recurring theme… _

Talking With My Mom

Mom: Ben, are you sure you want to go to Berkeley? I’ve heard a lot of … stories… about Berkeley. REALLY BAD stories. About what happens to young, impressionable boys like you.

Ben: I’ve made my decision, Mom. I’ll be fine.

Mom: Well, then take this, and be careful.

Ben: A condom? But Mom… you don’t need to give me this…

Mom: Make sure he uses it.

Ben: Huh?

Mom: I want to be able to kiss you when you come back.

Talking with Dad

Dad: Son, I want you to smoke all 50 of these marijuana cigarettes, so that you’ll never want to smoke one in Berkeley.

Ben: Uh… alright. [Smokes all 50]

Friend: [Later] How was it?

Ben: I was throwing up and constantly hungry at the same time. It was the single worst moment of my life.

Friend: Want to smoke a bowl?

Ben: After we finish this one.

Meeting Minorities

Dad: Ben, you’re going to meet many of the other races in Berkeley, so I thought I’d walk you through it. This is Edward, our gardener.
Edward: Hi. [Dad pokes him in ribs]

Edward: Hola.

Dad: I’ll leave you two to inform yourselves.

Edward: So, have you ever read Brideshead Revisited?

Ben: No, I always meant to, but I never got around to it.

Edward: Yeah.

Ben: Yeah… yeah.

Talking With My Girlfriend

GF: Ben, I hope you don’t mind, but I have to ask since you’re going to Berkeley. You’re not… you know… curious, are you?

Ben: Sure I am!

GF: Are you joking?

Ben: How could I go to Berkeley and not be curious? The area is a hub for curious people, and I think I’m going to fit right in.

GF: Have you always been curious?

Ben: As long as I can remember! My curiosity is what got through high school. How do you think I got along so well with all my teachers?

GF: That’s it! I can’t take it anymore! Not only are you a liar, but I’ve turned you, too! We’re through!

Ben: Turned me? What are you talking about? Wait, don’t walk away! I’m just curious! Curious!