ASUC President Primm Resigns After Arrest

ASUC President Kris Cuaresma-Primm announced yesterday his intention to resign– in order to devote more time to fighting with cops.

“I increasingly find that being President interviews with my true love– brawling with four, five policemen at a time. When I could be outside hunting the streets for blue boys to go seven rounds with, I’m stuck inside talking to boring Administrators.”

President Primm then kicked into the midsection of Police Spokesman Antonio Roberts, knocking the wind out of him. He also let loose a vicious uppercut and used a nerve pinch on Roberts’ upper arm, rendering him helpless.

After EVP Gomez accepted his resignation, Primm tore his shirt off and ran out into the rain. “Come here, pigs!” he reportedly yelled. “My fists have a taste for pork tonight!”

He then fought with more cops.