Relationship Advice!

Ask Farmer Steve

QUESTION 1. Dear Farmer Steve, My girlfriend is constantly bugging me about my social life. She keeps bitching that I never spend anytime with her and that I’m always out drinking with my friends! What can I do to get her to stop harassing me? Have any advice? GAA Los Angeles, Henry

Howdy Henry, Well as an accredited and certified farmer, my best advice to you is to cut out the salt licks from her diet and focus her grazing on lush and healthy pastures. She most likely is getting dehydrated from sitting out in the sun all day doing nothing; this makes her irritable. Lastly, she may just need a bit more of your attention. Don’t forget to pet her in that way she likes, remember to stroke with the grain! Good luck Henry!

QUESTION 2. Farmer Steve, Ever since my boyfriend left me, I’ve been feeling extremely un-motivated and depressed. It has been 3 weeks now and I can’t seem to kick it, all I do is lay around in the sun all day doing nothing; and it makes me miserable! Help Farmer Steve! GAA New York, Sarah

Well Sarah, it seems to me that you know exactly what you need to do to feel better and its exactly what I do when I’m feeling low. You need to get outside, jump in your tractor and start plowing! You’ve got crops to plant and pesticides to apply, don’t let some city slicker sinner ruin you life. Take control of your future and spray that DDT. Those migrant farm workers won’t mind. – Steve

QUESTION 3. Hey Steve! My wife is totally pissed at me for buying an expensive new Porsche and she won’t stop bickering. She keeps yelling that the money should have been saved for my sons college savings, but I earned that damn money so I can spend it! I’ve tried everything to get her to shut up, what am I missing! – San Francisco, Gary

Actually Gary, I run into this exact problem all the time, and boy is it a pain. Still though, after trying everything as well, I found that there is really only one solution, and that is to lock that whining bitch up in the stable till she whines herself to sleep. Other options that sometimes work less successfully include getting her a new knawing stick, or possibly letting her roll in the mud for a few hours. Whatever works best for you, I feel you pain.

Question 4. Dear Steve, my boyfriend has started drinking soy milk and attending yoga classes. These seem like very homosexual activities, and it has me wondering if he has been switch-hitting at spring training. Is this type of behavior normal? How can I get him to pay more attention to me and not his fitness instructor? GAA Chicago, Andrea

Andrea, One option you have is to try and tempt his libido. Maybe try rubbing peanut butter allover your body before he gets home. If that doesn’t work leave a pile of granola on your bed right near your crotch every night, this is what we call positive reinforcement. All of these are viable options. So good lick Andrea, oh wait, good luck I meant of course. Steve GAA