King of Berkeley

Reasons I should be your Ruler:

Divine Right

GOD: Kevin, you rule.

KEVIN: I rule? Wow, I rule the town! I am the King! Thanks, God.

GOD: No, no. That wasn’t in the imperative form. I used it in an adjective form, as in ‘you rule, Smashing Pumpkins.’

KEVIN: Oh GOD: Sorry.

KEVIN: (Sly) Hey God, what happens if I advance my piece all the way to your side when playing Checkers?

GOD: I king you.

KEVIN: Yes! I’m King! Sucker.

GOD: I saw this coming, but chose to fall for it.

King Birthmark

MICHELLE: You really have a birthmark shaped like the Campanile?

KEVIN: Yes, thus proving my claim to the throne.

MICHELLE: Kevin, that’s your penis.

KEVIN: It’s pointy and tells the time, too.
MICHELLE: Are those herpes?

KEVIN: No! They’re bells. (Sadly) Herpes Bells.

Right of Marriage

KEVIN: Okay, I’ve killed the Great Red Dragon, cleaned the Stables of the Thousand Cows, and slayed the Magic Goat. Now, can I finally have your daughter’s hand in marriage?

KING: Certainly, now come… (Courtier whispers to him)

KING: Sorry, turns out you were supposed to lay the Magic Goat.

KEVIN: Lay it wher…

KING: No, lay it. Lay meaning to have sex with the Magic Goat. (Courtier whispers to him)

KING: Sex with the now-dead Magic Goat.

Right of Succession

KEVIN: Father, please conquer Berkeley for me.

FATHER: Of course, my son. (He conquers Berkeley)

KEVIN: Ah, now when you pass on, I will rule the town!

FATHER: Oh, you’re adopted. (Pause)

FATHER: And your real Father was the previous King. (Pause)

FATHER: Hey, Irony isn’t just a river in Egypt.

KEVIN: That’s “denial.”

FATHER: There’s more then one river, you know.