Believe it or not, not everything submitted to the Squelch is a winner. If you haven’t noticed (because you’re not a writer or dedicated stalker), all of our submission information is on the bottom left corner of the opposite page. … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Scholarship Station
Lesser-Known Berkeley Scholarships
We at the Heuristic Squelch know that the last thing you want to think about is money, but these obscure campus scholarships might be your only chance to graduate without a second mortgage on your kidneys. Just remember, some some … Read More
Welcome Week Packet for Incoming Freshmen, 1869
[A LETTER]
Dearest Students,
Salutations to the Second Freshman Class in the history of the University of California! Welcome to what will surely be the most celebrated university in this Golden State, provided an eccentric railroad baron does not build … Read More
Top Ten Pornographic Cartoons that Nickelodeon Refused to Run
- Assholed By Ginger
- Cocket Power
- The Hairy RodParents
- JugRats
- CatDogHorseCock
- Gay Arnold!
- Thornberrys Gone Wild
- Cocko’s Modern Life
- Invading Zim
- The Friendly Beavers
Congress Overturns Law of Cause and Effect
In a move that has shocked logicians and scientists alike, Congress has passed a ruling overturning the law of cause and effect. The ruling has severed the connection between effect and cause that was once central to any logical … Read More
Top Ten 19th-Century Novels About Endangered Species
- The Red Badge of Cougars
- Great White Shark Expectations
- 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea Turtle
- Panda and Prejudice
- The Strange Case of Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hyde
- Narwhalden
- Picture of Dorian Gray Wolf
- The Humpback of Notre-Dame
- Manatee Fair
- Br-Otters
Freshman Trades Sense of Identity with School Spirit
Last Tuesday, freshman Corey S. O’Malley successfully replaced the last vestiges of his personal identity with school spirit.
O’Malley had spent months transforming himself into a cold husk of a man fed only by the success of the various sports … Read More
Top Ten Capital Offenses
- Washington D.U.I.
- Libelgrade
- Touching Boise
- Consparisy
- Hanoise violation
- Frankforgery
- Oklahomicide City
- Child Pierrenography
- Arson City
- Tallaharassment
Heuristic Squelch’s Treasury of Soul-Crushing Quotes
- Beggars can’t be choosers, but choosers could be beggars after one little fuck-up.
- If at first you don’t succeed, you’re a fucking failure.
- I think therefore I’m sad.
- A bird in the hand would peck your eyes out if it
United States Established as Monarchy Following Gun Control
In a move widely anticipated by crackpots, President Obama seized God-like monarchical power following the passage of a new piece of gun control legislation on Tuesday. The bill, which limits the number of automatic rifles a citizen can bear to … Read More
