After much deliberation, the California Department of Education has announced that it will administer the first High School Exit Exam in 2006. If a student fails to pass the test, he or she will not receive a diploma, but will … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Man Successfully Programs VCR
Home Depot assistant manager Steven Tepper called a press conference yesterday to announce that he had succeeded in programming his VCR to display the correct time instead of blinking “12:00” over and over.
When told by reporters that VCRs have … Read More
Fellow Delegates of Apartment 401
The start of the school year brings about many new changes: freshmen are now sophomores and the library begins to resemble an Asian immigration office. However, the most important change takes place not on campus, but rather in my apartment, … Read More
Michael Moore Decides to Run
In a move that will certainly shake things up a bit in the upcoming presidential election, documentary filmmaker and left-wing activist Michael Moore has finally decided to go for a much-needed jog.
The incident comes as a surprise to many … Read More
Top Four Possible Titles for William Hung’s Second Album
- Tangerines and Acid Trips, My Battle with Robots
- Super Gook 2005
- Still Better than Creed
- The Yellow Album
Top Ten Signs You Aren’t in Oscar Contention
- You played a retarded guy, but it was a documentary
- Your credit: “Assistant to Mr. Top”
- The title of your movie replaces a word that sounds like “monkey” with the word “monkey”
- “Man’s Head Exploding” flipbook not technically a movie
Top Ten Things Overheard on the Set of a Bad Porno Movie
Top One Way an Amputee Puts on Pants
- One leg at a time
Top Ten Porno Movies Starring Celebrities and Secretly Sponsored by Car Companies
- Susan Sarandon Takes a Dump on This Guy in the Back of a Fiat
- There’s No Dodging Eric Gagne’s Pitcher of Cum
- George Michael’s Coming in His GMC
- Minnie Driver and the Mini Driver
- Mercedes Ruehl Benz Over
- Robert Gouchevrolay
Top Five Morally Ambiguous Acts
- Cheating on your ugly girlfriend
- Buying a Toyota Prius and using the gas you saved to burn forests
- Reading to deaf people
- Killing an anti-Pope
- Aborting Hitler