Girls
Thor: [Grinning, surrounded by giggling wenches, showing off gleaming
warhammer] Yeah, I made this sweet little hunk of steel. Smithed her from the fire of a thousand stars. Oh, and did I mention that I
killed the evil serpent … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
AssistedSuicideGirls.com
Assisted Suicide Girl: Wheels
Looking For: Someone who can really take my breath away
Location: Bakersfield, CA
Sign: Cancer
Occupation: Model/actress/invalid (triple threat!)
Why I Did ASG: Voice-to-text program makes blogging a snap. Also, cystic fibrosis creates thick sticky mucus … Read More
Top Four Worst Excuses for Getting in a Fight with a Grizzly Bear
- To impress the bear’s girlfriend
- You thought it was a cougar
- You assumed the forest gave you home-court advantage
- It took your pic-inic basket
Man Gradually Replaced by Better Version of Self
The next step in a slowly advancing personal coup took place last Wednesday when Jared Demming’s friends once again invited acquaintance Jeff Dumar over for dinner. Demming, who was neither notified of the event nor welcome to attend it, reportedly … Read More
Student Unable to Comply with Parent’s Request
Sophomore William Hammersmith’s father was dismayed to learn yesterday that his son would be unable to “spend a semester flipping
burgers if you want a car,” because he is too un-Mexican.
“I’m a white male aged 18 to 35 GAA … Read More
Pirate Battle
Pirates ended the careers of many a brave seaman, even those who survived the tumultuous waters south of Cape Horn, the monsters of the great Atlantic, and the pleasant oases of the Pacific. Pirates were feared for their unforgiving tactics, … Read More
Bee and Allergic Man Killed in Murder-suicide Pact
According to police, it was probably an ongoing relationship of an “intimate and bestial/insectoid nature” between a common honeybee and a Mr. Darrel Motts that led to the deaths of both earlier this week.
“We believe that the frustration of … Read More
Top Ten Romantic Date Ideas for One
- Smoking a cigarette after nothing
- Picnic in Lonely People’s Park
- Half a Luther Vandross album
- Seeing Sartre’s No Exit
- Dinner plus silent film for silent evening
- Candlelit masturbation
- You and me and the bottle minus you plus another bottle makes
Top Ten Rejected Roadside Sobriety Tests
- The thing where you spin around the baseball bat and then run your ass off
- “A drunk driver says what?”
- Reaching the fourth world of Super Mario 3 without using the raccoon tail
- Bribing the officer…test
- Setting the drunk driver
Top Ten Do-it-yourself Abortion Kits
- Eggbeater
- Feminism
- Fake drowning and a CPR class
- Fishing pole with baby food on it
- Macgyver
- Specially trained hamster
- Bernoulli’s Principle
- Turkey baster full of chili oil
- Two days, a TLC camera crew, and $1000
- Abstinence and a time machine
