Girls
Thor: [Grinning, surrounded by giggling wenches, showing off gleaming
warhammer] Yeah, I made this sweet little hunk of steel. Smithed her from the fire of a thousand stars. Oh, and did I mention that I
killed the evil serpent … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Student Unable to Comply with Parent’s Request
Sophomore William Hammersmith’s father was dismayed to learn yesterday that his son would be unable to “spend a semester flipping
burgers if you want a car,” because he is too un-Mexican.
“I’m a white male aged 18 to 35 GAA … Read More
Mark Thomas vs. the Internet
Let’s face it; the Internet had a lot to offer in its heyday: earth-shattering breakthroughs in communication, data access, and commerce, just to name a few. Yeah, the Internet was pretty cool.
Around the same time the idea of a … Read More
A Day in the Life of D. West
That Drill Sergeant in Army Camos Who Goes on <i>The Maury Povich Show</i> and Yells at People
10:42 AM: Morning taping of Maury Povich Show. Yelled at 13-year-old hussy
until she tearfully promised to change her ways. Spent further 20 minutes yelling at her tears.
12:04 PM: Lunch break from taping. Yelled at deli worker until he … Read More
Top Four Worst Excuses for Getting in a Fight with a Grizzly Bear
- To impress the bear’s girlfriend
- You thought it was a cougar
- You assumed the forest gave you home-court advantage
- It took your pic-inic basket
Words from the Top
Enemy Mine
Everyone needs an enemies list. With all the talk of national disunity and the red/blue divide, I figure this “healing” is just a clever tactic. That’s right, they lull you into a false sense of security, then BAM, Senator Joe … Read More
Bee and Allergic Man Killed in Murder-suicide Pact
According to police, it was probably an ongoing relationship of an “intimate and bestial/insectoid nature” between a common honeybee and a Mr. Darrel Motts that led to the deaths of both earlier this week.
“We believe that the frustration of … Read More
Top Ten Forms of Tomfoolery
- Promising Ten But Delivering Nine
- Putting a Handkerchief in a Young Madam’s Bosom
- Putting Things Where They Ought Not Be
- Being an Utter Hooligan
- Putting Spirits in Ginger Ale
- Putting Dijon Mustard on a Hot Cross Bun
- Whitewash-related Fibbing
- Tying
Top Ten Rides at the Bemusement Park
- Clark Kent: The Ride
- House of Opaquely Dirty Mirrors
- Indiana Jones Archaeological Dig Adventure
- Thomas Moore’s Autopia
- Tunnel of Hesitant Mutual Attraction
- Mr. Toad’s Wild Bench
- The Ed Harriswheel
- The Doesn’t Matterhorn
- Bummer Cars
- Emotional Rollercoaster
Top Ten Do-it-yourself Abortion Kits
- Eggbeater
- Feminism
- Fake drowning and a CPR class
- Fishing pole with baby food on it
- Macgyver
- Specially trained hamster
- Bernoulli’s Principle
- Turkey baster full of chili oil
- Two days, a TLC camera crew, and $1000
- Abstinence and a time machine
