The next step in a slowly advancing personal coup took place last Wednesday when Jared Demming’s friends once again invited acquaintance Jeff Dumar over for dinner. Demming, who was neither notified of the event nor welcome to attend it, reportedly … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Four Worst Excuses for Getting in a Fight with a Grizzly Bear
- To impress the bear’s girlfriend
- You thought it was a cougar
- You assumed the forest gave you home-court advantage
- It took your pic-inic basket
Pirate Battle
Pirates ended the careers of many a brave seaman, even those who survived the tumultuous waters south of Cape Horn, the monsters of the great Atlantic, and the pleasant oases of the Pacific. Pirates were feared for their unforgiving tactics, … Read More
AssistedSuicideGirls.com
Assisted Suicide Girl: Wheels
Looking For: Someone who can really take my breath away
Location: Bakersfield, CA
Sign: Cancer
Occupation: Model/actress/invalid (triple threat!)
Why I Did ASG: Voice-to-text program makes blogging a snap. Also, cystic fibrosis creates thick sticky mucus … Read More
Bush Calls for Draft
In response to the growing violence and anti-American sentiments in Iraq, the conscription of young American men is needed, said a rhododendron on the west side of the UC Berkeley campus.
The bush shouted his right-wing sentiments as loud as … Read More
Woman Gets Rare Cancer
Becky Johnson, a photojournalist at the Daily Planet, Metropolis’s biggest newspaper, has been diagnosed with a rare form of independent cancer of both the breasts and the buttocks.
Although usually quite rare, this dual diagnosis has been made on several … Read More
This Bar Mitzvah Has One Complete Roster of the 1996 Chicago Bulls Too Many
I’m at my little brother’s bar mitzvah, and looking around at the life-size ice-sculpture recreations of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, I begin to get the sneaking suspicion that our mom likes him better than me. Okay sure, I … Read More
Top Ten Romantic Date Ideas for One
- Smoking a cigarette after nothing
- Picnic in Lonely People’s Park
- Half a Luther Vandross album
- Seeing Sartre’s No Exit
- Dinner plus silent film for silent evening
- Candlelit masturbation
- You and me and the bottle minus you plus another bottle makes
Top Ten Forms of Tomfoolery
- Promising Ten But Delivering Nine
- Putting a Handkerchief in a Young Madam’s Bosom
- Putting Things Where They Ought Not Be
- Being an Utter Hooligan
- Putting Spirits in Ginger Ale
- Putting Dijon Mustard on a Hot Cross Bun
- Whitewash-related Fibbing
- Tying
Top Ten Rides at the Bemusement Park
- Clark Kent: The Ride
- House of Opaquely Dirty Mirrors
- Indiana Jones Archaeological Dig Adventure
- Thomas Moore’s Autopia
- Tunnel of Hesitant Mutual Attraction
- Mr. Toad’s Wild Bench
- The Ed Harriswheel
- The Doesn’t Matterhorn
- Bummer Cars
- Emotional Rollercoaster
