An open letter to all you female readers out there, guaranteed to soak through even the most absorbent of pants.
Hey there, lady.
That’s right, you know who this is. You must know, then, that it’s that time again for … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
If Frat Boys Wrote Fortune Cookies
Love is like a rose; I’ve bought both from immigrants on corners.
There’s a time to be proud and there’s a time to be humble; everybody yaks on their knees.
You will purchase a hookah over the internet and people … Read More
A Very aDoyle-able Christmas
Well it’s been an amazing year full of blessings, challenges, and rough-edged rewards. It all started last year when our whole family–Alan, Lindsey, our beloved dog Jonathan, and our beloved son Harold–found ourselves back under one roof, one garage, and … Read More
Transformers They Don’t Want You to Know About
Breakout
Transforms from a robot without herpes to a robot with herpes after having unprotected sex with Optimus Prime
Alternate Modes: Robot in free clinic, Robot calling all her old boyfriends
Motto: “But you’re the only one I’ve … Read More
The Diary of the Last Man on Earth
Janaury 18, 2008
It’s been three weeks now since the sky turned green and the storms began. I thought it was some kind of terrorist attack, or environmental disaster, but I’m at a loss for what really happened. I’ve been … Read More
NY Times Reports: Lots of Asians Go to Cal
The New York Times sent shockwaves through the news cycle this weekend when they published a feature article breaking the story that Asian kids are good at school. According to the Times, although Asians make up only 5% of the … Read More
My Rejected Sitcom
“My Body and Me”
_Nate is a young man whose life is tragically cut short. Now he’s in heaven hanging out with all his internal organs as they go on a series of crazy, afterlife adventures. Hang on, because this season is gonna be … Read More
Class Act
Let’s face it; you’re not getting any. In fact, you haven’t gotten any, and by the look of things (you in a bathrobe eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch at three in the afternoon), you’re not going to get any. And by … Read More
Masturbation Defeats Sex
Millions of relationships ended abruptly yesterday as masturbation trumped intercourse as the preferred sexual activity. The development of a slightly warmer lubricant, along with the long-awaited release of the Lindsay Lohan DVDA tape, are believed to have finally shot masturbation … Read More
Drunk Driving: Just Say Yo!
It happens every Saturday night all over America, in towns just like yours. Young people gather to have a few drinks, and those drinks turn into a few too many. Then, tragedy strikes: there’s no decent food around. In fact, … Read More
