The New York Times sent shockwaves through the news cycle this weekend when they published a feature article breaking the story that Asian kids are good at school. According to the Times, although Asians make up only 5% of the … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
President Ford Remembered for Legacy of Oafery
At a funeral service in Washington earlier this month, Gerald Ford, the 38th and indisputably most goofy president of the United States, was honored by several members of his former cabinet with a tribute to the former Commander-in-Chief’s exemplary leadership … Read More
If Frat Boys Wrote Fortune Cookies
Love is like a rose; I’ve bought both from immigrants on corners.
There’s a time to be proud and there’s a time to be humble; everybody yaks on their knees.
You will purchase a hookah over the internet and people … Read More
The Future of Video Game Series
The Sims 3: Barely Makin’ Ends Meet!
Players will delight as their Sims put the “rock” back in rock bottom! Get fired from the slaughterhouse, perform comically censored but highly suggestive sexual favors for strangers, and earn enough to pay … Read More
Masturbation Defeats Sex
Millions of relationships ended abruptly yesterday as masturbation trumped intercourse as the preferred sexual activity. The development of a slightly warmer lubricant, along with the long-awaited release of the Lindsay Lohan DVDA tape, are believed to have finally shot masturbation … Read More
My Rejected Sitcom
“My Body and Me”
_Nate is a young man whose life is tragically cut short. Now he’s in heaven hanging out with all his internal organs as they go on a series of crazy, afterlife adventures. Hang on, because this season is gonna be … Read More
Class Act
Let’s face it; you’re not getting any. In fact, you haven’t gotten any, and by the look of things (you in a bathrobe eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch at three in the afternoon), you’re not going to get any. And by … Read More
A Little Something for the Ladies
An open letter to all you female readers out there, guaranteed to soak through even the most absorbent of pants.
Hey there, lady.
That’s right, you know who this is. You must know, then, that it’s that time again for … Read More
A Very aDoyle-able Christmas
Well it’s been an amazing year full of blessings, challenges, and rough-edged rewards. It all started last year when our whole family–Alan, Lindsey, our beloved dog Jonathan, and our beloved son Harold–found ourselves back under one roof, one garage, and … Read More
The Diary of the Last Man on Earth
Janaury 18, 2008
It’s been three weeks now since the sky turned green and the storms began. I thought it was some kind of terrorist attack, or environmental disaster, but I’m at a loss for what really happened. I’ve been … Read More
