Are you still using passe terms like “aight,” “all kinds of,” and “wiggle my rymplestock”? Keeping up with the latest slang is an important part of establishing yourself as a legitimate member of society and proving that you’re worthy of … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Andy Singer Announces Retirement, Berkeley Students Rejoice
The campus community was overjoyed this week when “cartoonist” Andy Singer, the diabolical mastermind behind the Daily Cal’s “No Exit” comic panel, announced that he would be retiring from his post as the newspaper’s most nonsensical contributor.
An emotional Singer … Read More
Magazine Dries Up
A somber and humorless M. C. Holohan, editor-in-chief of The Heuristic Squelch, announced that UC Berkeley’s premier humor magazine had tapped out its resources of funny. “We haven’t had a funny submission in weeks,” the monotonic Holohan told reporters. “Our … Read More
Problem 2b
Physics 137a
Physics, and the study thereof, is not an undertaking for the faint of heart. It requires a strong mental will and a keen perception of the world in which we live. Many people can boast of having these skills, but … Read More
Student Receives Worst Hand-Job in History
UC Berkeley 3rd-year student Horace McFeelenstein recently reported that the result of an amorous encounter last weekend has been nothing but pain and suffering. “Things were goin’ pretty good, y’know?” McFeelenstein was overheard telling his floormates in Griffiths Hall. “So … Read More
Humiliating Happenstances!
<I>Teen! Squelch</I>
I was in the bathroom at school and I was about to have a cigarette, when it occurred to me that I also needed to change my tampon. It was really cramped in the stall, and I had a tough … Read More
Napsneerg!
or, It’s the Conspiracy, Stupid
It’s February, and we’re all still here. After months of warnings, countless disaster tests, and millions of gallons of emergency water, the Y2K bug was the most overhyped disappointment since The Phantom Menace. Though let down, I don’t blame … Read More
Words from the Top
What it Was, Was Clubbing
Being the great lumbering couch ‘tater that I am, I find myself watching a great deal of alarmist news stories about club kids and their various sinful pleasures. While millions of senile geriatrics were watching these depictions of youthful sexual … Read More
Top Ten Ways to Stop Someone Committing Suicide
- Evict him from the I-House
- Steal all of his salt so he’ll get a goiter and then the noose won’t fit him
- Just find another box of Corn Pops
- Convince him that regicide is much cooler
- Replace his razor blades
Top Ten Alternate Endings For The Alphabet Song
- FIN
- 10 minutes of, “Naaaa na-na na-na, nana nanaaaa…”
- Can I go now officer?
- Big bird, get your finger out of my ass.
- Oh yeah! I’m going to cum! Oh yeah!
- Here’s your Ethnic Studies Degree.
- Bee-otch.
- Second verse, same
