New York Stock Exchange floor broker Russ Jones traded insults at an unprecedented volume Friday, ending the day with the line, “Hey Barnes, your wife’s ass is so big, she must have been baptized in buttermilk!” and bringing his daily … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Reach Out and Jerk Me Off
Welcome to Cell Phone Users Anonymous. My name’s Patrick, and I bought a cell phone.
Like others here, I told myself that it would never happen to me. Cell phones are for SUV-driving, iMac-using, pretentious yuppie fucks, and I’d sooner … Read More
Viewpoints
Is it important for girls to attend college?
“Only until they find a husband.”
Eunice Tate
Widow
New Haven, CT
“Access to education increases tolerance for people of all races, genders, and lifestyles, and helps society ferret out offensive stereotypes like myself. Therefore, in the interest of the … Read More
Problem 2b
Physics 137a
Physics, and the study thereof, is not an undertaking for the faint of heart. It requires a strong mental will and a keen perception of the world in which we live. Many people can boast of having these skills, but … Read More
Student Receives Worst Hand-Job in History
UC Berkeley 3rd-year student Horace McFeelenstein recently reported that the result of an amorous encounter last weekend has been nothing but pain and suffering. “Things were goin’ pretty good, y’know?” McFeelenstein was overheard telling his floormates in Griffiths Hall. “So … Read More
Humiliating Happenstances!
<I>Teen! Squelch</I>
I was in the bathroom at school and I was about to have a cigarette, when it occurred to me that I also needed to change my tampon. It was really cramped in the stall, and I had a tough … Read More
Napsneerg!
or, It’s the Conspiracy, Stupid
It’s February, and we’re all still here. After months of warnings, countless disaster tests, and millions of gallons of emergency water, the Y2K bug was the most overhyped disappointment since The Phantom Menace. Though let down, I don’t blame … Read More
Words from the Top
What it Was, Was Clubbing
Being the great lumbering couch ‘tater that I am, I find myself watching a great deal of alarmist news stories about club kids and their various sinful pleasures. While millions of senile geriatrics were watching these depictions of youthful sexual … Read More
Top Ten Alternate Endings For The Alphabet Song
- FIN
- 10 minutes of, “Naaaa na-na na-na, nana nanaaaa…”
- Can I go now officer?
- Big bird, get your finger out of my ass.
- Oh yeah! I’m going to cum! Oh yeah!
- Here’s your Ethnic Studies Degree.
- Bee-otch.
- Second verse, same
Top Ten Slumber Party Activities
- Mime contest (naked)
- Crosswords
- Naked theoretical lesbian sex
- Naked experimental lesbian sex
- Naked watching TV
- Naked cooking
- Naked pillow fight
- Naked Twister
- Who can keep their tongue in someone else’s mouth the longest?
- Prank calling cute boys and getting arrested
