It’s February, and we’re all still here. After months of warnings, countless disaster tests, and millions of gallons of emergency water, the Y2K bug was the most overhyped disappointment since The Phantom Menace. Though let down, I don’t blame the media or even the government for the faux crisis. Rather, I blame the true architect of the Y2K hype, Alan Greenspan.
Yes, Alan Greenspan. The Y2K “crisis” was just pretense, designed to increase the money supply and consumer demand, and drive the Dow Jones industrial average higher. In the summer of 99, Greenspan announced the Treasury would issue millions in hard currency, ostensibly to provide a safety net while cities were burning and ATMs were spewing $20 bills like a wealthy epileptic at a strip club. Instead, this move just gave jobs to programmers and disaster experts, and the stock market enjoyed unparalleled growth.
When Alan was in college, still a shy economics student, he fell in love with a beautiful co-ed. After weeks of building up his courage, he asked her out, only to be shot down. “Me, go out with you?” she questioned. “Maybe when the Dow Jones breaks 1,000 points!” Amid hooting and derisive laughter, Greenspan ran away, to his textbooks and stock ticker, and put into motion his dream of driving the Dow above that magical 1,000 point barrier.
Greenspan is an old man now, and he realizes he has little time left to achieve his plans. So in the past ten years, he has pulled out all the stops to try and get the economy larger and larger. He lowered the Federal fund rate to provoke investment. He forced the cancellation of _ Roseanne _, while simultaneously pressuring Fox to develop more spinoffs for _ Melrose Place. _ And when Tupac Shakur was directing attention to the plight of African-Americans and the inner city with his music, Greenspan had him assassinated so that Puff Daddy’s gospel of Benzes and platinum jewelry could be spread to the masses instead.
The explanation for many questionable facets of society and culture becomes clear once the Greenspan conspiracy is revealed. The deregulation of the electrical industry? Greenspan. The unprecedented rise in online investment? Greenspan. Four different Blockbuster franchises within the city limits of Berkeley? Alan Greenspan. Greenspan is unstoppable and Greenspan will not be denied. Resistance is futile – you will be assimilated into American consumerism, at least until the day that the Dow beats 1,000 points and Greenspan smiles, sighs contentedly, and then dies.