Top Ten Ways to Stop Someone Committing Suicide

  1. Evict him from the I-House
  2. Steal all of his salt so he’ll get a goiter and then the noose won’t fit him
  3. Just find another box of Corn Pops
  4. Convince him that regicide is much cooler
  5. Replace his razor blades with Juicy Fruit Wrappers
  6. Two words: Coffee enema
  7. Convince him that Milli Vanilli still has fans
  8. Kill yourself first – no one likes a copycat
  9. Put a Moon Bounce under his window
  10. Shoot him