I still remember the first day I put a Salt & Vinegar chip in my mouth. It was ninth grade, and I stayed after school for our weekly Academic Decathlon study sessions. A prerequisite for these meetings was bringing snacks, … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
An Exploration of the Proper Relations Between Men and Women
Don’t get me wrong, I am a fairly liberal guy. I believe that men and women are full social, political, intellectual and artistic equals. Furthermore, as a result of the previous liberal and virtuous propositions, men and women should go … Read More
Eric Roberts Zinged by Grandpa
At a recent family reunion, B-movie superstar Eric Roberts really got the business. The commotion allegedly began after the roll basket was passed around. Eric eagerly yet thoughtlessly grabbed a roll after being offered one by an unidentified relative. As … Read More
Comic Adaptation Baffles Moviegoers
Controversy continues to surround a smash summer movie based on a popular comic strip. Viewers and critics alike contend that the film presupposes an intimate knowledge of the comic strip, and those that have never previously seen the comic strip … Read More
Student Inadventently Sculpts, Eats 8 Inch Penis
Soft serve afficionado and casual homophobe Dave Fulsom proved quite the fool last Wednesday at the Unit 2 DC, where the freshman took advantage of the soft serve machine to unintentionally fashion himself what by all reports appeared to be … Read More
Streetspace Kiosks Usher In Future
As the rest of the country lags behind with such antiquated forms of communications technology as semaphore and non-digital cellular phones, the city of Berkeley is now officially in the Future. This exciting leap forward comes thanks to the high-tech … Read More
NFL Team Responds to “Heap Big Criticism
Bowing to criticism from Native American advocates, the NFL’s Kansas City Chiefs have announced that they will be changing their name. “For too long we have shamelessly exploited the Native American and his tradition,” said teamspokesman Martin London, “and for … Read More
Dozen Doesn’t Do It
Every day, millions of donut shops, flower boutiques and other purveyors of goods sold in multiples of twelve are plagued with a crippling linguistic inefficiency, tacking on countless wasted seconds to daily transactions. This squandering of time and energy is … Read More
Daily Californian Lets Loose
The Daily Californian took a shit on sophomore Davey Tenitt yesterday afternoon around 4:30. Though the paper has been metaphorically crapping on students for many years this abrupt shift to literal defacation left bystanders stunned. The victim was unable to … Read More
Top Ten Other Reasons To Pour Some Sugar On Me
- It dulls the pain of cutting off your
own arm - Because I’m D.C. food and I taste
like fucking shit - Molasses isn’t of the maximum
radicalness - It isn’t really “sugar”, it’s co-caine…
and you aren’t “pouring”
it “on me” ,
