- Cicero (and his Troupe of Gyrating Choir Boys)
- Jimmy the Dancing Chimp
- Tony Danza
- Hitler
- Mr. Non-Sequitur
- Gandhi
- Marie Curie (’cause she’s hot)
- Santa Claus
- Stalin
- Jon Stewart
… Read More
- Win a gold medal in the 800 meters at the Special Olympics.
- Complete an unsatisfying ab workout.
- Wait patiently for the supervillain to explain his detailed plan.
- Cut the black wire … No, the yellow wire!
- Be a dick and
… Read More
- Underwater basketweaving prereq. not met
- For your own good
- “Readin’ Stuff” not an approved major. Yet.
- The library wants their book back
- Because you’re sponsored by Old Spice
- They did, it was in Kelvin
- 119.5 units
- The “chalk dust incident”
… Read More
- Fucks reindeer
- Only gives rich kids good presents
- Dates ugly chicks
- Segregates weaker toys
- Runs over grandmas with reindeer
- Prefers to stay out of politics
- Only got to be Santa ’cause Daddy was Santa
- Fat, white, and ugly
- Masturbates 8
… Read More
- Anti-freeze in bong water
- Pool supply stores looted less often
- It actually gets even colder, breaking all laws of physics
- Air-conditioners kick in
- The homeless die
- Significant Campanile shrinkage
- SJP occupies warmer building
- Nudists wear sock
- Girls in skirts don’t
… Read More
- Sacagaweamacallits
- Mars Bars of Gold
- Reese’s Pieces of Eight
- Mounds of Cash
- Abbazabillion dollars
- Peppermint Pennies
- Kit Ka$h
- Rolo Quarters
- Jujudimes
- Snickels
… Read More
- To avoid jailtime
- You dropped out of high school
- See beautiful New France and, die there in WWIII
- Fuckin’ G.I. Bill bitch!
- Because you’re not part of the solution
- To protect and serve your country
- Because no one really dies
… Read More
- Mastur-bastin’
- Snatched Potatoes
- Pilgrim-Indian Interracial Gangbang IV
- SpanXXXgiving
- Put the Meat on the Table
- Stuffin’ N’ Gravy
- Mayflower Deflowered
- Take Your Land and Fuck Your Women XI: The Quickening
- Creamed Corn
- Gobble Gobble
… Read More
- Eye-patch
- Put it back on to scare girls when they go down on you
- Cure for pink eye
- Keep it as a “Hooded Avenger” costume for your penis
- Replacement for salmon in a rainbow roll
… Read More
- Sit by the fireplace and read
- Snort RainBlo
- Get wet
- Steal garbage bags from hobos
- Wipe sweat off brow
- Wear pink blouse, stand outside, be Kirsten Dunst
- Impromptu baptism
- Go outside and masturbate (in the rain)
- Stay at home and
… Read More
