Local guitar hero Shawn Fallon was disappointed by the lack of women offering to have sex with him after a performance last night. Fallon, who has never played big-people guitar, assumed that his performance in the Guitar Hero video game … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Really Hot Chick Rejected from Boalt
Upon receiving her rejection letter from the Boalt School of Law, AOPi sister Allison Summer tragically discovered that her “Everything I Need To Know In Life I Learned From Legally Blonde” poster was total fucking bullshit.
“My application video was … Read More
Democrats Arrive in D.C. Reeling From Month-Long Celebration
In their first day as the majority in both houses of Congress in over a decade, Democratic officials sheepishly stumbled up the steps of Capitol Hill forty-five minutes late for their first appointments, clutching oversized travel mugs of coffee and … Read More
Stephen Colbert Ironically Elected Governor of South Carolina
Popular humorist Stephen Colbert, noted for his deadpan impression of a smug, self-aggrandizing right-wing pundit, has been ironically elected Republican Governor of South Carolina after mockingly collecting the 5,000 requisite signatures and facetiously soliciting millions of dollars in campaign contributions … Read More
Mel Gibson BBQ’s Thousands of Hebrew Nationals
On Saturday, in an attempt to establish positive ties with the Jewish community, Mel Gibson held a barbeque at his Malibu home.
Leaders of the Jewish Community and Anti-Discrimination groups attended the event in good spirits. “It’s always a good … Read More
Local Pot Calls Kettle ‘Black’
In what has been described by local police as a, “racially provoked verbal assault,” a local Pot was accused of calling a nearby Kettle, “black.” A fellow Kettle commented, “I thought we’d come a long way since the days of … Read More
Your Roommate to Continue Listening to that Chinese Hip Hop Shit
In a press release Monday evening, your Asian roommate made the official statement that the infuriatingly bad Chinese Hip Hop music constantly playing from his laptop would continue indefinitely.
“This decision has been thought over carefully, and there was a … Read More
City Council Declares Bum Historic Landmark
Local vagrant Patches Wilkinson was declared a historic landmark by the Berkeley City Council last night. “For the past twenty four years, Mr. Wilkinson has brightened the corner of Dwight and Dana with his presence, and provided much-needed diversity to … Read More
New Dinosaur Species Discovered
Paleontologists and researchers recently uncovered hints of a new species of dinosaur. While no concrete evidence of its existence has been found, scientists postulate that the “Clitaurus” evolved millions of years ago, and might still exist on the earth today … Read More
Wal-Mart Enters into Heroin Retail Market
Wal-Mart today announced its plans to begin selling heroin in its 1,146 Wal-Mart stores, 2,098 Supercenters, 567 SAM’S CLUBS and 107 Neighborhood Markets in the United States.
“Wal-Mart sells a lot of shit, you know? Well, why not heroin? That … Read More
