Christian fundamentalists and Evangelicals were elevated to Heaven last week to sit at the side of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior. With hundreds of millions having instantly disappeared around the world, global productivity has risen ten-fold in what remaining scientific … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Incredibly Awesome Explosion Leaves 30 Dead, 60 Highly Entertained
Tragedy struck Berkeley this week when a big rig truck carrying petroleum crashed into a firearms factory that happened to be celebrating Chinese New Year. Over twenty employees were killed instantly by the panoply of explosions that followed, and an … Read More
McCain and Guiliani Exploratory Committees Race to the Finish
Tensions mounted in the Republican Party over the weekend as the exploratory committees for Senator John McCain (R – AZ) and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani came closer and closer to reaching the South Pole.
“The polling data suggests … Read More
Father and Son Game of Hide-and-Seek Concluded After 30 Years
Edward Bixby, 46, recently concluded a drawn-out game of Hide and Seek with his 68-year-old father James Bixby. Edward found his father in the line of the Sheridan County Welfare Office in Sheridan, Kansas.
“I was doing the rounds in … Read More
Scientists Yet Again Start Work on Project Other than Rocket Car
Research and Development teams at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have reportedly begun work on a new project. When asked at a press conference how this project would affect the development of the rocket car, developers replied that the current … Read More
Masturbation Defeats Sex
Millions of relationships ended abruptly yesterday as masturbation trumped intercourse as the preferred sexual activity. The development of a slightly warmer lubricant, along with the long-awaited release of the Lindsay Lohan DVDA tape, are believed to have finally shot masturbation … Read More
NY Times Reports: Lots of Asians Go to Cal
The New York Times sent shockwaves through the news cycle this weekend when they published a feature article breaking the story that Asian kids are good at school. According to the Times, although Asians make up only 5% of the … Read More
President Ford Remembered for Legacy of Oafery
At a funeral service in Washington earlier this month, Gerald Ford, the 38th and indisputably most goofy president of the United States, was honored by several members of his former cabinet with a tribute to the former Commander-in-Chief’s exemplary leadership … Read More
Really Hot Chick Rejected from Boalt
Upon receiving her rejection letter from the Boalt School of Law, AOPi sister Allison Summer tragically discovered that her “Everything I Need To Know In Life I Learned From Legally Blonde” poster was total fucking bullshit.
“My application video was … Read More
Democrats Arrive in D.C. Reeling From Month-Long Celebration
In their first day as the majority in both houses of Congress in over a decade, Democratic officials sheepishly stumbled up the steps of Capitol Hill forty-five minutes late for their first appointments, clutching oversized travel mugs of coffee and … Read More
