What started out as a domestic dispute between intimates dragged particle physicists and the gay community into a bitter feud when the bottom quark announced that it wanted to become a top.
“I’m just sick of it,” the bottom quark … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
New Drummer for Iron Butterfly
With the mysterious circumstances surrounding their former bassist’s disappearance cleared up, Iron Butterfly has announced that Latin sensation Ricky Martin will be joining the band. While some critics are claiming that the hard rock group is simply riding Martin’s coattails, … Read More
Women for Gore
Many women came away very disappointed from last week’s “Women for Gore” convention. “We wanted to see blood and guts, man, and all we got was a boring guy talking about China. That fucking sucked!” commented one woman. Another added, … Read More
Greeks Service the Community
In an effort to curb the use of guns in violent crimes, Bay Area officials reimplemented the highly successful Toys for Guns” program this week with a slightly different theme. The new program, dubbed “Ass for Guns”, will exchange thirty … Read More
Local Man Subcontracts Cunnilingus
Last Saturday, James Starchman, 21, a member of a local fraternity, became the first man in recorded history to hire an independent contractor to perform cunnilingus. When his girlfriend demanded it of him, he contacted several local subcontractors and hired … Read More
Campbell Demands “Stop Calling Me Kubiac!”
UC Berkeley junior Patrick Campbell vehemently denied earlier this week that he is actually “Kubiac,” the monosyllabic gentle giant from the early- 90s sitcom “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.” “I don’t understand why everyone thinks I’m Kubiac,” exclaimed a frustrated Campbell … Read More
City Council to Vote on Gay Benefits
Gay benefits could soon be implemented for employees throughout Berkeley, if certain city council members have their way. A hotly debated new resolution put before the council last week could require all Berkeley employers to offer certain gay benefits.
Contrary … Read More
Tony Danza Loses Last Shred of Diginity
With the airing this week of his twentieth commercial for 10-10-220, Tony Danza has lost his final shred of dignity. Danza’s decline began with the cancellation of his sitcom, “Hudson Street,” and continued through two more horrific television failures. The … Read More
Millions Await Spears’ Eighteenth Birthday
Men ranging in age from eighteen to eighty are eagerly awaiting December 2, 1999, the date when teen pop sensation Britney Spears will turn eighteen. Spears, the trailer trash whore turned pop singer, has been driving men wild with her … Read More
Student Mauled by Unit 3
Berkeley residents have united in fear after reports that a young woman was mauled by Unit 3. At approximately 8:45pm on Saturday evening, while walking home, the unidentified woman was dragged behind a row of bushes and gnawed about the … Read More
