Local citizens were puzzled by a bizarre incident that occurred Thursday night. The mysterious event took place as several dozen curious passersby looked on in amazement. “I was really blown away,” explained eyewitness Tom Cunningham, “I mean, this was pretty … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Gore and Davis to Square of Come November
As a fundraising stunt for the 2000
Democratic campaign, Vice President
Al Gore and California Governor Gray
Davis will compete in a nationwide
“America’s Dullest Man” election.
People across the country will be invited
to cast their vote to decide … Read More
Trading Places
What started out as a domestic dispute between intimates dragged particle physicists and the gay community into a bitter feud when the bottom quark announced that it wanted to become a top.
“I’m just sick of it,” the bottom quark … Read More
New Drummer for Iron Butterfly
With the mysterious circumstances surrounding their former bassist’s disappearance cleared up, Iron Butterfly has announced that Latin sensation Ricky Martin will be joining the band. While some critics are claiming that the hard rock group is simply riding Martin’s coattails, … Read More
Don’t Fork with the Chinese
The ACLU is investigating reports that a group of Berkeley students were allegedly angrily thrown out of a local mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant. “All we did was ask for a fork, man,” insisted one of the students. “But maybe bringing up … Read More
People are Stupid
You people are stupid, it was announced yesterday. A group of Berkeley scientists have released a report which describes you people to be “appallingly stupid, bordering on idiocy”. This report is the result of a twoyear study by the LBNL … Read More
Local Man Subcontracts Cunnilingus
Last Saturday, James Starchman, 21, a member of a local fraternity, became the first man in recorded history to hire an independent contractor to perform cunnilingus. When his girlfriend demanded it of him, he contacted several local subcontractors and hired … Read More
Campbell Demands “Stop Calling Me Kubiac!”
UC Berkeley junior Patrick Campbell vehemently denied earlier this week that he is actually “Kubiac,” the monosyllabic gentle giant from the early- 90s sitcom “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.” “I don’t understand why everyone thinks I’m Kubiac,” exclaimed a frustrated Campbell … Read More
City Council to Vote on Gay Benefits
Gay benefits could soon be implemented for employees throughout Berkeley, if certain city council members have their way. A hotly debated new resolution put before the council last week could require all Berkeley employers to offer certain gay benefits.
Contrary … Read More
Tony Danza Loses Last Shred of Diginity
With the airing this week of his twentieth commercial for 10-10-220, Tony Danza has lost his final shred of dignity. Danza’s decline began with the cancellation of his sitcom, “Hudson Street,” and continued through two more horrific television failures. The … Read More
