A Berkeley resident is currently recovering from a terrifying experience involving his girlfriend’s enormous genitalia. Hank Moonves, a local computer programmer, described his adventure to reporters earlier this week:
“My girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the … Read More
Local citizens were puzzled by a bizarre incident that occurred Thursday night. The mysterious event took place as several dozen curious passersby looked on in amazement. “I was really blown away,” explained eyewitness Tom Cunningham, “I mean, this was pretty … Read More
As a fundraising stunt for the 2000
Democratic campaign, Vice President
Al Gore and California Governor Gray
Davis will compete in a nationwide
“America’s Dullest Man” election.
People across the country will be invited
to cast their vote to decide … Read More
What started out as a domestic dispute between intimates dragged particle physicists and the gay community into a bitter feud when the bottom quark announced that it wanted to become a top.
“I’m just sick of it,” the bottom quark … Read More
Men ranging in age from eighteen to eighty are eagerly awaiting December 2, 1999, the date when teen pop sensation Britney Spears will turn eighteen. Spears, the trailer trash whore turned pop singer, has been driving men wild with her … Read More
Berkeley residents have united in fear after reports that a young woman was mauled by Unit 3. At approximately 8:45pm on Saturday evening, while walking home, the unidentified woman was dragged behind a row of bushes and gnawed about the … Read More
The ACLU is investigating reports that a group of Berkeley students were allegedly angrily thrown out of a local mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant. “All we did was ask for a fork, man,” insisted one of the students. “But maybe bringing up … Read More
You people are stupid, it was announced yesterday. A group of Berkeley scientists have released a report which describes you people to be “appallingly stupid, bordering on idiocy”. This report is the result of a twoyear study by the LBNL … Read More
Last Saturday, James Starchman, 21, a member of a local fraternity, became the first man in recorded history to hire an independent contractor to perform cunnilingus. When his girlfriend demanded it of him, he contacted several local subcontractors and hired … Read More
UC Berkeley junior Patrick Campbell vehemently denied earlier this week that he is actually “Kubiac,” the monosyllabic gentle giant from the early- 90s sitcom “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.” “I don’t understand why everyone thinks I’m Kubiac,” exclaimed a frustrated Campbell … Read More
