Many women came away very disappointed from last week’s “Women for Gore” convention. “We wanted to see blood and guts, man, and all we got was a boring guy talking about China. That fucking sucked!” commented one woman. Another added, … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Greeks Service the Community
In an effort to curb the use of guns in violent crimes, Bay Area officials reimplemented the highly successful Toys for Guns” program this week with a slightly different theme. The new program, dubbed “Ass for Guns”, will exchange thirty … Read More
Man Survives Ordeal Inside Giant Vagina
A Berkeley resident is currently recovering from a terrifying experience involving his girlfriend’s enormous genitalia. Hank Moonves, a local computer programmer, described his adventure to reporters earlier this week:
“My girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the … Read More
Residents Baffeled by Phenomenon
Local citizens were puzzled by a bizarre incident that occurred Thursday night. The mysterious event took place as several dozen curious passersby looked on in amazement. “I was really blown away,” explained eyewitness Tom Cunningham, “I mean, this was pretty … Read More
Campbell Demands “Stop Calling Me Kubiac!”
UC Berkeley junior Patrick Campbell vehemently denied earlier this week that he is actually “Kubiac,” the monosyllabic gentle giant from the early- 90s sitcom “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.” “I don’t understand why everyone thinks I’m Kubiac,” exclaimed a frustrated Campbell … Read More
City Council to Vote on Gay Benefits
Gay benefits could soon be implemented for employees throughout Berkeley, if certain city council members have their way. A hotly debated new resolution put before the council last week could require all Berkeley employers to offer certain gay benefits.
Contrary … Read More
Tony Danza Loses Last Shred of Diginity
With the airing this week of his twentieth commercial for 10-10-220, Tony Danza has lost his final shred of dignity. Danza’s decline began with the cancellation of his sitcom, “Hudson Street,” and continued through two more horrific television failures. The … Read More
Millions Await Spears’ Eighteenth Birthday
Men ranging in age from eighteen to eighty are eagerly awaiting December 2, 1999, the date when teen pop sensation Britney Spears will turn eighteen. Spears, the trailer trash whore turned pop singer, has been driving men wild with her … Read More
Student Mauled by Unit 3
Berkeley residents have united in fear after reports that a young woman was mauled by Unit 3. At approximately 8:45pm on Saturday evening, while walking home, the unidentified woman was dragged behind a row of bushes and gnawed about the … Read More
Don’t Fork with the Chinese
The ACLU is investigating reports that a group of Berkeley students were allegedly angrily thrown out of a local mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant. “All we did was ask for a fork, man,” insisted one of the students. “But maybe bringing up … Read More
