Men ranging in age from eighteen to eighty are eagerly awaiting December 2, 1999, the date when teen pop sensation Britney Spears will turn eighteen. Spears, the trailer trash whore turned pop singer, has been driving men wild with her lascivious yet criminally off-limits body image.
“Boy, would I like to get some of that,” commented Mark McGrath, lead singer of Sugar Ray. “And I will, too. You better believe I will. I’ll have some broccoli spears for dinner and some Britney Spears for dessert. You just watch.”
In order to stave off what the United States government fears will be “a riotous mob of horny old men,” Spears herself has agreed to conduct a rigorous application process to select suitors in an orderly manner. Potential deflowerers will be chosen based on length, circumference, and papule size.
When asked his feelings about the contest, McGrath said, “Man, fuck that noise. Application or no application, I’m gonna spear that Spears. You just watch.”
Many applicants are wondering if Spears’ manager will be instrumental in the selection process. “Are you kidding?” he said. “I’ll be the first one to apply! Why do you think I took her on in the first place? Her voice? Nosiree. I’m more interested in where that voice comes from, if you catch my drift.”
Spears was unavailable for comment.