President George W. Bush has announced that he plans to send American astronauts to “the most biggest planet of them all: the Sun.” This attempted launch, which could occur as soon as 2028, has absorbed consistent criticism from Congressional Democrats, … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Mentor Remains Alive
The continued life of Stewart Albey, 86, remains a source of huge frustration to his protege, Scott Toler, say sources.
Albey, a retired journalist, continues to live despite using his wit and wisdom to turn around the life of Toler, … Read More
Scientists Disappointed
Biochemical researchers at Dow Chemical have reportedly been disappointed with the results of their recent turtle mutation experiment. The research group had hoped to create feisty six foot tall ninja turtles through the use of chemical waste.
Head researcher Geoff … Read More
Ostensible Fun Fact Turns Out to Be Terrifying Omen
On Wednesday evening, shortly after consuming his fourth banana of the day, Cal junior Bryan Dempsey opened a bottle of Snapple only to find the short but harrowing factoid “Eating bananas makes you more attractive to mosquitoes” staring up at … Read More
R&B Lyrics Too Implicit For Middle Schoolers
“Pony,” the breakthrough hit from R&B star Ginuwine, was barred from all future play at Willard Middle School dances after school officials declared the song’s lyrics to be too tame for the student body.
“‘Send chills up and down your … Read More
Class Held Outside
English GSI Kristine Broughton decided to hold class outside on the grass yesterday, betraying a complete lack of basic knowledge about meterology, human physiology, women’s studies, and plant biology.
‘It’s such a nice day out,’ Broughton reportedly said, ‘lets do … Read More
Daily Cal Announces New Advertising Policy
In response to the constant littering by Berkeley students, The Daily Californian has announced a new advertising policy.
“In the future, instead of placing advertising inserts within the Daily Cal, now we’re just going to dump a big pile of … Read More
ASUC President Primm Resigns After Arrest
ASUC President Kris Cuaresma-Primm announced yesterday his intention to resign– in order to devote more time to fighting with cops.
“I increasingly find that being President interviews with my true love– brawling with four, five policemen at a time. When … Read More
Super Mario Has Super Overdose
Tragedy struck the Mushroom Kingdom last week when beloved Italian-Japanese-American “Super” Mario Sarducci was found dead in his toadstool estate, the cause of death an apparent mushroom overdose. “There were empty question mark boxes scattered on the floor,” said Police … Read More
David Beckham Comes to America; Goes Home
British soccer sensation and international superstar David Beckham traveled to the United States to greet his American fans. Both of them welcomed Beckham as his plane deboarded, but he eventually lost their attention to a nearby dog licking its own … Read More
