The international world was shocked last week by the surprise return of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, or SARS, in the same region of China where the original outbreak took place.
“I thought that we had seen the last of SARS, … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
American Studies Majors Beg US to Annex Cancun
American Studies majors from across the country gathered in DC yesterday to argue for the US to “liberate Cancun.”
“With Cancun in the US we could do so much studying,” said Junior Mark Chard, “I can just see myself on … Read More
Bush’s Ouija Board Again Points to Yes
Officials close to President Bush report that his closest advisor, a mystical Ouija Board, has once again pointed to Yes. This is reportedly the 39th straight time the Ouija Board has pointed to Yes.
“Oh, oh, I think it’s going … Read More
Class Held Outside
English GSI Kristine Broughton decided to hold class outside on the grass yesterday, betraying a complete lack of basic knowledge about meterology, human physiology, women’s studies, and plant biology.
‘It’s such a nice day out,’ Broughton reportedly said, ‘lets do … Read More
Daily Cal Announces New Advertising Policy
In response to the constant littering by Berkeley students, The Daily Californian has announced a new advertising policy.
“In the future, instead of placing advertising inserts within the Daily Cal, now we’re just going to dump a big pile of … Read More
ASUC President Primm Resigns After Arrest
ASUC President Kris Cuaresma-Primm announced yesterday his intention to resign– in order to devote more time to fighting with cops.
“I increasingly find that being President interviews with my true love– brawling with four, five policemen at a time. When … Read More
Super Mario Has Super Overdose
Tragedy struck the Mushroom Kingdom last week when beloved Italian-Japanese-American “Super” Mario Sarducci was found dead in his toadstool estate, the cause of death an apparent mushroom overdose. “There were empty question mark boxes scattered on the floor,” said Police … Read More
David Beckham Comes to America; Goes Home
British soccer sensation and international superstar David Beckham traveled to the United States to greet his American fans. Both of them welcomed Beckham as his plane deboarded, but he eventually lost their attention to a nearby dog licking its own … Read More
Local Man Completes Work on New Super-Weapon
Berkeley pastry chef and part time quantum scientist Jeff Gable recently completed a new super-powered super weapon which he plans to use either for good, or to make fluffier, more golden brown cr+A?me brulees.
“I have always been interested in … Read More
Fortress of Solitude Too Solitudinous
Antarctica’s population grew by one yesterday when local resident Superman purchased a hamster in order to alleviate the crippling loneliness of living in an ice cave at the South Pole. Along with cage, wheel, and hamster ball, the icy Fortress … Read More
