Biochemical researchers at Dow Chemical have reportedly been disappointed with the results of their recent turtle mutation experiment. The research group had hoped to create feisty six foot tall ninja turtles through the use of chemical waste.
Head researcher Geoff … Read More
On Monday morning, the National Stacy Association (NSA) released a formal statement denouncing critically lauded pop group Fountains of Wayne for “gross recklessness and utter lack of consideration.”
“As America’s largest lobby of girls named Stacy, we knew we had … Read More
The international world was shocked last week by the surprise return of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, or SARS, in the same region of China where the original outbreak took place.
“I thought that we had seen the last of SARS, … Read More
English GSI Kristine Broughton decided to hold class outside on the grass yesterday, betraying a complete lack of basic knowledge about meterology, human physiology, women’s studies, and plant biology.
‘It’s such a nice day out,’ Broughton reportedly said, ‘lets do … Read More
In response to the constant littering by Berkeley students, The Daily Californian has announced a new advertising policy.
“In the future, instead of placing advertising inserts within the Daily Cal, now we’re just going to dump a big pile of … Read More
ASUC President Kris Cuaresma-Primm announced yesterday his intention to resign– in order to devote more time to fighting with cops.
“I increasingly find that being President interviews with my true love– brawling with four, five policemen at a time. When … Read More
Tragedy struck the Mushroom Kingdom last week when beloved Italian-Japanese-American “Super” Mario Sarducci was found dead in his toadstool estate, the cause of death an apparent mushroom overdose. “There were empty question mark boxes scattered on the floor,” said Police … Read More
British soccer sensation and international superstar David Beckham traveled to the United States to greet his American fans. Both of them welcomed Beckham as his plane deboarded, but he eventually lost their attention to a nearby dog licking its own … Read More
Berkeley pastry chef and part time quantum scientist Jeff Gable recently completed a new super-powered super weapon which he plans to use either for good, or to make fluffier, more golden brown cr+A?me brulees.
“I have always been interested in … Read More
Antarctica’s population grew by one yesterday when local resident Superman purchased a hamster in order to alleviate the crippling loneliness of living in an ice cave at the South Pole. Along with cage, wheel, and hamster ball, the icy Fortress … Read More
