Officials close to President Bush report that his closest advisor, a mystical Ouija Board, has once again pointed to Yes. This is reportedly the 39th straight time the Ouija Board has pointed to Yes.
“Oh, oh, I think it’s going … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Supposed Straightedge Looks Totally Ripped on ID
An uproar struck Freeborn Hall late Thursday when it was revealed that resident and self-professed “straightedge” Eddie McAllister looks way ripped on his student identification card.
The veracity of McAllister’s claim that he lives free from drugs and alcohol was … Read More
Man Only Mildly Appreciative of Radiohead
Bay Area resident Larry Wilson is to be publicly stoned to death by a mob of angry music fans for expressing a less than glowing opinion of the band Radiohead.
“I don’t know, they’re cool I guess,” stated Wilson, “I’m … Read More
Daily Cal Announces New Advertising Policy
In response to the constant littering by Berkeley students, The Daily Californian has announced a new advertising policy.
“In the future, instead of placing advertising inserts within the Daily Cal, now we’re just going to dump a big pile of … Read More
ASUC President Primm Resigns After Arrest
ASUC President Kris Cuaresma-Primm announced yesterday his intention to resign– in order to devote more time to fighting with cops.
“I increasingly find that being President interviews with my true love– brawling with four, five policemen at a time. When … Read More
Super Mario Has Super Overdose
Tragedy struck the Mushroom Kingdom last week when beloved Italian-Japanese-American “Super” Mario Sarducci was found dead in his toadstool estate, the cause of death an apparent mushroom overdose. “There were empty question mark boxes scattered on the floor,” said Police … Read More
David Beckham Comes to America; Goes Home
British soccer sensation and international superstar David Beckham traveled to the United States to greet his American fans. Both of them welcomed Beckham as his plane deboarded, but he eventually lost their attention to a nearby dog licking its own … Read More
Local Man Completes Work on New Super-Weapon
Berkeley pastry chef and part time quantum scientist Jeff Gable recently completed a new super-powered super weapon which he plans to use either for good, or to make fluffier, more golden brown cr+A?me brulees.
“I have always been interested in … Read More
Fortress of Solitude Too Solitudinous
Antarctica’s population grew by one yesterday when local resident Superman purchased a hamster in order to alleviate the crippling loneliness of living in an ice cave at the South Pole. Along with cage, wheel, and hamster ball, the icy Fortress … Read More
Bum Saves Woman From CIA
At 7:00 PM exactly, Berkeley student Amy Delacruz was walking down Telegraph Avenue when she narrowly missed being incinerated by an orbiting satellite. She was saved by local street person Amos Terwuggen, who was nearby and dove on her just … Read More
