Fortress of Solitude Too Solitudinous

Antarctica’s population grew by one yesterday when local resident Superman purchased a hamster in order to alleviate the crippling loneliness of living in an ice cave at the South Pole. Along with cage, wheel, and hamster ball, the icy Fortress of Solitude is now equipped with a portable area heater because, according to Superman, “no one wants a repeat of the goldfish incident.”

Superman told reporters that he just couldn’t take the Fortress’ solitude anymore. “I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately,” said Superman, “but last week, I finally hit rock bottom.” The Man of Steel admitted to taking an entire bottle of Xanax last Thursday, in an attempt to end his life. “But since it wasn’t Kryptonite Xanax, I was pretty okay.”

The Last Son of Krypton’s special friend came in the form of a brown and white dwarf hamster. “His name is Mr. Huggles,” Superman told reporters, “and he’s my bestest friend.” Superman then tenderly put a small cape around Mr. Huggles’ tiny neck.

Gotham City’s Batman, once believed to be Superman’s best friend, was unavailable for comment.

In unrelated news, billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne spent the day alone on a park bench, eating a pint of H+A+-agen-Dazs and casting wistful gazes at Gotham’s empty skyline.