At 7:00 PM exactly, Berkeley student Amy Delacruz was walking down Telegraph Avenue when she narrowly missed being incinerated by an orbiting satellite. She was saved by local street person Amos Terwuggen, who was nearby and dove on her just as, in his own words, “beams made all out of lasers” were about to strike her down. The beam disintegrated half the street and a storefront before mysteriously disappearing.
Ms. Delacruz shrieked at Mr. Terwuggen and beat him senseless, walking away without looking behind to view the utter destruction.
Mr. Terwuggen explained that the beam was fired from a CIA satellite being controlled by “Rick the Smick.”
“Smick always doin’ stuff for the CIA,” said Terwuggen. “They’re mad because I keep the air from moving too quickly. Look, Rick got his CIA remote control out now!”
Unfortunately, Rick had apparently hidden his remote before this reporter could look at him.