According to a group of Vietnam veterans who claim to have served with John Kerry, Kerry’s initial motivation for joining the military was to kill defenseless babies. While none of the veterans have accused Kerry of killing any babies, most … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Voting Deemed “Out” by <i>Cosmo</i>
Voter registration groups are reeling following a declaration in the September 2004 issue of Cosmopolitan that the act of voting is officially out of style.
“Not only have young women stopped registering to vote in our precinct,” stated Judith Miller, … Read More
New Chancellor Cares Via Mass E-mail
Recently-appointed UC Berkeley Chancellor Birgeneau is planning to start his tenure on a personal note by using the university’s mass e-mailing system to warn students about the dangers of underage drinking, depression, and lack of ethnic diversity. He is continuing … Read More
New Chancellor Not Yet Hardened
Incoming Chancellor Robert J. Birgeneau has made little progress so far in his efforts to adapt to his new post. The gifted Canadian researcher has yet to shed his native people’s love and compassion for their fellow man, a trait … Read More
Freshman Carefully Crafts “Male Slut” Reputation
According to the floormates of Kole Tammar, the Unit 2 freshman has been dropping increasingly obvious hints into casual conversation that he is, in actuality, a male slut that is willing to engage in no-strings-attached, sport-fucking type sex with female … Read More
Experimental Album Has No Hidden Track
The popular Chapel Hill-based prog-rock outfit Octopod Blue created a stir on Tuesday with the release of its latest album, Mustachio Tapdance. The highly experimental recording contains no hidden track.
“The first time I heard it,” said Pitchfork editor-in-chief … Read More
Hung-over Jesus Tries New Trick
A grossly hung-over and dangerously dehydrated Jesus woke up last weekend at a friend’s apartment and then attempted to rehydrate himself by transforming the party’s leftover wine back into water. Jesus had transformed the water into wine to impress chicks … Read More
Egg Donor Ad Way Too Specific
Berkeley women interested in giving the gift of life to a childless couple in exchange for cold hard cash were upset Friday to find the Daily Californian’s latest egg donor ad impossible to satisfy. The ad read as follows:
“Loving … Read More
Study: Cup-Shaking Not Marketable Skill
An extensive study released Thursday by the UC Berkeley Business Administration Graduate Research Division reveals that cup shaking is in fact not a marketable skill.
Further, the researchers concluded, as a non-marketable skill, cup shaking thus does not warrant financial … Read More
William Hung’s Fifteen Minutes Up
Berkeley student, singer, and professional hip gyrator William Hung’s fifteen minutes are officially up. The announcement came from Professor Serena Chen during a Social Psychology midterm on April 5th. At 11:45 am, Prof. Chen announced, “You have fifteen minutes remaining.” … Read More
