That crazy fool Bobby Birgeneau cold burned his dumb ass with a hot crackalack pizzo, it was reported yesterday. The new chancellor fell asleep on his sofabed after cooking hell of sweet yellow rocks.
“Fuck! Hrumfuck!” Birgeneau yelled after scalding … Read More
The lasting despair and bittersweet pain that have plagued humankind since its inception have finally been obliterated by the advent of Coca-Cola’s newest beverage, C2GA$A3, according to spokesman Ken Harper. “With only half the calories of Coca-Cola Classic, C2 has … Read More
In a stunning turn of events, Cal political science student David Lee literally had his mind blown on Friday by a live Radiohead performance that his roommate downloaded from Kazaa.
When asked whether he actually meant that his mind had … Read More
Home Depot assistant manager Steven Tepper called a press conference yesterday to announce that he had succeeded in programming his VCR to display the correct time instead of blinking “12:00” over and over.
When told by reporters that VCRs have … Read More
Spring cleaning brings up all sorts of hidden treasures, but none were as surprising as one found in Phi Kappa Tau’s hallway.
During the cleaning, frat boy Tim Shook found a single-handled broom. The broom, which was described as being … Read More
Hoight Smith, radio host for 90.7 classical FM, exposed his social destitution on air early Monday morning when speaking about an upcoming promotional soiree. “It’s always so fun to have that party every year,” Smith mentioned whimsically. “Lots of people, … Read More
According to the floormates of Kole Tammar, the Unit 2 freshman has been dropping increasingly obvious hints into casual conversation that he is, in actuality, a male slut that is willing to engage in no-strings-attached, sport-fucking type sex with female … Read More
The popular Chapel Hill-based prog-rock outfit Octopod Blue created a stir on Tuesday with the release of its latest album, Mustachio Tapdance. The highly experimental recording contains no hidden track.
“The first time I heard it,” said Pitchfork editor-in-chief … Read More
A grossly hung-over and dangerously dehydrated Jesus woke up last weekend at a friend’s apartment and then attempted to rehydrate himself by transforming the party’s leftover wine back into water. Jesus had transformed the water into wine to impress chicks … Read More
Berkeley women interested in giving the gift of life to a childless couple in exchange for cold hard cash were upset Friday to find the Daily Californian’s latest egg donor ad impossible to satisfy. The ad read as follows:
“Loving … Read More
