In the latest attempt to distract the American public from the fundamental problems of society through scapegoats and mean words, our buddies in Congress have pressured movie theaters all across the country into carding for R-rated movies. While it may … Read More
Tag Archives: Matt Holohan
Man Survives Ordeal Inside Giant Vagina
A Berkeley resident is currently recovering from a terrifying experience involving his girlfriend’s enormous genitalia. Hank Moonves, a local computer programmer, described his adventure to reporters earlier this week:
“My girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the … Read More
Gore and Davis to Square of Come November
As a fundraising stunt for the 2000
Democratic campaign, Vice President
Al Gore and California Governor Gray
Davis will compete in a nationwide
“America’s Dullest Man” election.
People across the country will be invited
to cast their vote to decide … Read More
What’d You Just Say?
Read aloud the following story about a group of friends trying to put up a tent and see how many racial and/or ethnic slurs you can find embedded in the dialogue!
Cameron, Joe, Steve, and Morton agreed to get together … Read More
Millions Await Spears’ Eighteenth Birthday
Men ranging in age from eighteen to eighty are eagerly awaiting December 2, 1999, the date when teen pop sensation Britney Spears will turn eighteen. Spears, the trailer trash whore turned pop singer, has been driving men wild with her … Read More
Luke Filose’s Last Column
I’m about to graduate, I look back at these last four years of college and realize what a fucking loser I’ve been, and how much of a bigger fucking loser I’m going to be in the future. I mean, I’m … Read More
Puff Daddy Composes Original Work
Millionaire hack Sean “Puffy” Combs shocked the music industry this week when he announced that he had recorded a song that he had written entirely by himself. The rapper, who has become notorious for reaping the rewards of other people’s … Read More
Ask Optimus
Q: I’ve started a small Autobot militant group, but I’m having trouble getting them to attack. What should I say to motivate them?
–Heather Bergman
A: Autobots, transform!…And roll out!
Q: My family and I are proud Autobots, but my … Read More
UC President Anxious About Haas Pavilion
Chancellor Robert Berdhal paid a visit to the construction site of the Haas Pavilion this week to check up on the progress of the stadium. Although foreman Jerry Jerrod claimed that the pavilion would be completed according to schedule, Berdhal … Read More
Berkeley Student Gives a Shit about Affirmative Action
Tempers flared last week when an unnamed Berkeley student defecated on the BAMN table on Sproul Plaza. The incident followed a heated argument between the student and BAMN member Heather Bergman regarding the minority status of Eskimos on the Berkeley … Read More
