Luke Filose’s Last Column

I’m about to graduate, I look back at these last four years of college and realize what a fucking loser I’ve been, and how much of a bigger fucking loser I’m going to be in the future. I mean, I’m just so bitter about everything because all you peons are in my way, and I’m much better than you with my well-developed, intelligent, hopelessly Republican and war-mongering views on everything. And could I be any more incoherent? I obviously just expect you to put up with my horrendous writing style because what I have to say is so goddamned fascinating, and you obviously have nothing better to do than just put up with my shit, since I’m already gracing you with my godlike presence. And your taste in music? Don’t even get me started about that. And blah blah blah love me blah blah pay attention to me blah blah I molest goats blah blah BLAH.

My one regret is not having given Matt Holohan the respect that he deserved. Matt Holohan is the best Creative Editor the Squelch has ever had. Ever. And he’s the best Creative Editor the Squelch will ever have, too. And I ain’t shittin’, neither. I think I just always resented Matt because we were the only two redheads on the staff, and deep down I always knew that he was much more witty, intelligent, and better looking than I could ever be. Damn that Irish bastard and his perfect body and his perfect mind and his perfect breath and his cynical and misogynistic yet strangely endearing personality. Matt may very well be the greatest man that ever lived, and I’m just a big dumb peanut-headed nitwit. I could just die.

But you know what? I really couldn’t care less about that fucking idiot. Remember: I am the Prodigal Son. I am God here. I am the stars … I am the planets … I can do it too!

But back to praising Matt. Matt is so great. Everything about him is wonderful. Especially his pants. I love those pants. And why do they even bother making different kinds of cats? They all act the same. They all act like cats! There should be more people like Matt. I sure hope Matt gets laid soon so he can make more Matts.

Editor’s Note: This was probably not a good idea. ?L.F.