Tag Archives: Matt Holohan

Breast Cancer Victorious

In Race Against Breast Cancer

Breast Cancer placed first in this year’s annual Race Against Breast Cancer, finishing the 5K course in just under twenty minutes. The deadly disease’s victory came as a stunning upset, as Breast Cancer was expected to place fifth at the … Read More

Guy Writes Newsflash

Squelch writer Matt Holohan wrote a newsflash earlier this afternoon, a nominally humorous tidbit which is already being assailed by critics as worthless postmodernist garbage. Holohan reportedly spent the first paragraph introducing the concept of the newsflash and included a … Read More

Dozen Doesn’t Do It

Every day, millions of donut shops, flower boutiques and other purveyors of goods sold in multiples of twelve are plagued with a crippling linguistic inefficiency, tacking on countless wasted seconds to daily transactions. This squandering of time and energy is … Read More

Words from the Top

A Place of Many Evils

There are many abortions of environmental design on the Berkeley campus. It’s common to hear people complain of the labyrinthine halls of Dwinelle, the threateningly phallic Campanile, the strange dog-shape of Wurster, and Evans Hall’s general funk ugliness. While all … Read More

NASA Streamlines Operations

In the wake of two horrific and costly failures involving the exploration of Mars, NASA officials have announced plans to increase the administration’s efficiency by reducing certain intermediary steps in its operations. NASA scientist Hal Melina summed up the plan … Read More

Words from the Top

What it Was, Was Clubbing

Being the great lumbering couch ‘tater that I am, I find myself watching a great deal of alarmist news stories about club kids and their various sinful pleasures. While millions of senile geriatrics were watching these depictions of youthful sexual … Read More

Words from the Top

Damn You, Jimmy Carter

Many people enjoy putting nuts into their mouths. If I did it, it would kill me. I, like an increasing number of Americans and people from other important countries, am deathly allergic to peanuts. While most non-peanut allergics consider this … Read More