As if finals weren’t bad enough, I had to get an infection in my scrotum as soon as classes ended. I first realized that there was a problem when I noticed that, every forty-five minutes or so, regardless of what … Read More
Tag Archives: Matt Holohan
Ventura Proposes Freeway Plan
Professional wrestler-turned-Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura has announced his first major project as governor: a plan to redesign Minnesota’s freeway system to make it more accessible to drivers.
“The way it is now,” Ventura explained during a press conference, “there are … Read More
Judge Judy Rocked By Scandal
The popular television courtroom drama “Judge Judy” has been assailed with recent accusations that its tag line, “Real people, real cases, Judge Judy” is inaccurate.
“The show claims to use real people, but this is misleading,” stated Hank Piedlourde of … Read More
The Devolution of Michael Dukakis
On October 4th 1843, on a foggy morning on New York’s Ellis Island, a family of poor Greek immigrants stepped off a Korean sardine vessel in search of the American Dream. Taking with them what meager possessions they had brought … Read More
A Peculiar Problem
Nowadays the process of abortion seems simple enough. Barring interference from right-wing extremists who demand that you the let clump of cells in your womb grow into a healthy little welfare leech, getting rid of an unwanted pregnancy is, to … Read More
The Trials of a Female Science Major
Being a female science major isn’t easy, or at least that’s what the Daily Cal keeps telling me. Actually, it is pretty tough. There are very few girls in my classes, so I have few people to discuss things like … Read More
The Heuristic Squelch Interviews Fiona Apple
Heuristic Squelch: Good afternoon, Miss Apple, and I’d like to thank you for joining us today.
Fiona Apple: I’m nineteen.
HS: I’m sorry?
FA: I’m only nineteen and I’m already a big famous musician. Pretty impressive huh?
HS: Yes, well… … Read More
The Ballad of Eddie and Yoshua
There was a man named Preacher Ed
Who spoke the word of God
At Sather Gate, come rain or shine
To all the Berkeley mob.
But Eddie warn’t the only man
Who liked to preach and yell
There also was … Read More
Residence Hall Staff Ineptitude Test
Do you have the apathy and general lack of substance it takes to be a
member of the residence hall staff? If you think you may be unqualified enough,
test your uselessness with the…
(psst! look back at the title!)… Read More
