ASUC senators this week passed a bill requesting that UC Berkeley students “please stop getting caught in fires,” along with formally condemning those who do. Actually dying in fires is particularly frowned upon in the hard-hitting bill, which offers more … Read More

Dude, he’s reading this. What a moron.

You answered to moron, moron. Ha! Just kidding, man. Geez, it’s okay. I’m just messing with you.

Hey, fag.

You still here?… Read More

As the rest of the country lags behind with such antiquated forms of communications technology as semaphore and non-digital cellular phones, the city of Berkeley is now officially in the Future. This exciting leap forward comes thanks to the high-tech … Read More

A UC Berkeley student was “probably assaulted” last week while walking home to his or her Southside residence, Berkeley police told reporters today. Officers said the victim most likely described the suspect in a vague and unhelpful way, and stated … Read More

A UC Berkeley engineering student was totally ass-raped by a recent midterm in Lewis Hall, Berkeley and UC police said yesterday. The victim, Daniel Chang, reported that he was coerced into entering the lecture hall where the assault took place … Read More

While digging trenches last week as part of UC Berkeley’s infrastructure replacement project, workers discovered massive rivers of slime flowing through the sewer lines under the UC campus. After accidentally falling into the river, two workers emerged covered in slime … Read More

Families of the numerous victims killed in a recent horrible tragedy were relieved this week to find that the media would not be ignoring their plight. Rather, a series of close-up photos of crying relatives, as well as frequent taking … Read More