Behavioral scientist B. F. Skinner once wrote, “Human conversations are as varied as stars in the night sky, and no less infinite in their possibility.” Malarkey, says I. When the pretense has been stripped away, there are but three basic … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Ask Saundra Firth
Better Living through My Vagina
Janeane from Carson City, NV asks, “So how is your column different from the many other advice columns out there?”
Well, Janeane, for starters, I think outside the box. I’m a no nonsense go-getter, so don’t expect me to sweet … Read More
Berkeley Fables Par Excellence
The Man And The Lion At Strada
A man and a lion had been friends for a long time. One day, while they were relaxing at Cafe Strada, the man confessed he was envious of his friend. “Lion,” he said, … Read More
Words from the Top
Medium, but Rare
No matter what your parents and coaches tell you, competitive sports are not about having fun; they’re about winning. So, what’s really important is who’s the best, not who’s the most entertained.
When I played soccer as a little kid, … Read More
Tomorrow’s Tuesday Last Week!
Berkeley scientists recently developed an experimental time travel device, and to test its effectiveness they’ve created a “Study Abroad in Time” program. In this program, students volunteer to spend a semester studying at Berkeley in the future and report on … Read More
Words from the Top
The Gentle Jangle of Success
There is nothing more informative about a person’s identity than their keys. The quantity and quality of one’s keys often reflects the quality of one’s life, social status, and personal pride. Below is a brief classification system based on the … Read More
Drawn & Quartered
State quarters brought to you by the Squelch
California:
From the eager immigrants and 49ers who failed to strike gold to the would-be actresses reduced to waiting tables and turning tricks, California has been crushing the hopes and dreams of starry-eyed innocents for over a century. Now you … Read More
Leonard & His Penis
A Tragedy in Eleven Memos
To: Leonard McAllister
From: your penis, Leonard.
Subject: a little action?
Leonard, this is your penis. For God’s sake, man, you’re twenty-two years old. I have been more than patient with you, and would very much like it if you … Read More
I Had Sex on Tuesday with Emily Chung
I am a detective who works the mean streets of Berkeley. And on this job, I’ve just about seen it all. Drive-bys, crimes of passion, crimes of capital, battery, rape, drugs, alcohol, assault. So forgive me if I’m cynical when … Read More
I Think I’m Ready To Be An 8-Bit Videogame Villain
HA HA HA . . .
THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU NOW . . .
THE GIRL IS MINE . . .
AND YOU WILL DIE!!!
How was that, was that convincing? I don’t know, I’m still getting the … Read More
